She's Pregnant. He's Married

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm in a serious dilemma, and I need your help.

I grew up near Fort Hood, Texas. When I was growing up, my parents always told us to stay away from military men. We were forbidden to bring home anyone in the Army because they had a bad reputation.

Everyone we knew who was married to or in a relationship with someone in the Army always had their relationships end badly. Soldiers would leave when they were stationed somewhere else and never look back to take care of their children. They would leave wives and girlfriends behind too.

I have attended two major universities in Texas -- Texas A&M University and I transferred to the University of Texas so I could be closer to my family. Not only did I meet and fall in love with a soldier last summer, I am now two months pregnant.

Ms. Vicki, I'm not finished. Not only am I pregnant, my boyfriend is PCSing to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, next summer and I just found out that he's married! He lived the last two years as a geo-bachelor because his wife is in nursing school in North Carolina. She graduates next summer.

I found out all of this information on Facebook. Now I'm wondering what I should do.

He's telling me that I'm on my own, that he's married and he'll soon be out of here. This is not fair to me because I'm on a scholarship and I have a great future. Why should I have to face this all alone?

Is now the time for me to tell his wife and his commanders about me and my baby?

-- Scared in Fort Hood

Dear Scared,

This is a serious dilemma. I believe your parents just wanted you to be in a healthy relationship with someone who would have your best interest in mind. Ultimately, they wouldn't care if he was in the Army or not, as long as he was a good human being. I wish you had followed your parents' advice.

It's interesting to me how you would be so willing to throw away your bright future. I can't blame this all on the soldier. You know you are a college student who is on a scholarship. I didn't hear you say that he forced you to have unprotected sex.

Every day, I encounter people who blame the service men and women for everything without assuming any responsibility for what happened. Then, when "it" hits the fan, they want to run to the commander to help clean up the mess, like it's the commander's responsibility to clean it up.

You are an adult. You should get ready to be a single mother and raise your child on your own with the help of a loving family and friends. You can spend the next seven months fighting with your boyfriend, his wife and his commanders, but that won't change the fact that you have a baby on the way.You need to figure out how you can be a parent and stay in school. There are many resources at your university to help you.

I'm not saying that your boyfriend should not pay child support or be in your child's life -- of course he should. However, his wife is going to have a say in that too.

Now is the time for you to be honest with your family about what has happened so they can give you emotional support. You should start getting prenatal care for you and your baby. You can call your boyfriend's wife and his commander, but don't expect for everyone to jump through your hoops and give in to your commands. They won't.

Let me know how you are doing when you can. I wish you and your baby all the best.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Family and Spouse