Dear Ms. Vicki,
I have been in a very up and down relationship with my current boyfriend for almost two and a half years now. I was wondering if you could please help me figure out whether I'm in an unhealthy relationship.
First off, we got into this relationship very quickly, and he did cheat on me in the beginning. I contacted both of his exes and asked them about him, and they both told me to get out while I could. Was that a sign? I know how exes can be.
Over the past couple of years, I have noticed that I haven't been too happy, but I've been good with the idea of what this relationship is rather than how I feel. It bothers me that he keeps calling me his wife although we aren’t engaged yet, but I seem to go along with it. What's wrong with me? Am I trapped?
I have always been close to my friends and family, but lately we have not been on the best terms. Family is important to me, and it hurts me that he keeps bringing them down after all of the things they have done for us and my dad helping him. His family is shot and that hurts me too, but what can I do? They aren't the best people in the world. They have their issues.
Anyway, should I keep going and keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, or finally put myself first after 25 years of never doing or really accomplishing anything for me?
I always wanted a happily ever after for myself and for the future of my children. How can I stop falling in and out of love with the father of my child? What do I do? How do I try and pull the focus on me more and what's best for me and what I want? Please help me! I really would appreciate your advice!
-- A Woman Trying to Find Her Place in the World
Dear Woman with a Place,
Allow me to jump quickly to my point and please forgive me for being so candid. I find that people often write to me because they want someone to be objective. They have heard it all from their family and friends who are absolutely exhausted trying to make a woman like you listen to them.
You are “cray-cray!” As a matter of fact, this is HELLA crazy!
You are asking how you can put yourself first when you are living with an abusive, cheating man, the father of your child. What kind of message are you giving your child? He calls you “wife” because it’s convenient for him, because it’s all about him. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. His exes are right. They had sense enough to leave him, and you should do the same.
Here’s the deal: I think you think you have to have a man. Any man is fine for you; you just want a man. You need to seek out therapy because, if you don’t get help, you will keep repeating the same mistakes.
I think you should forgo any relationship right now. Don’t date anyone, and don’t live with anyone. Just focus on you and your child. Mend things with your family and your close friends, who can be supportive to you. Let him go. He is really a waste of your time.
Thanks for listening.
-- Ms. Vicki