He Fathered a Baby in South Korea

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband is in the Air Force. We dated for a little over three years and have been married now for about a year and two months.

I have been there for him every step of the way. I moved away from my family to be with him. While we were still dating, I returned home to gather the rest of my things and discovered that I was pregnant.

I did not tell him until he joined me at my mother's house for the holidays. He proposed to me on Christmas Day, which was a total shock. We moved back to Nebraska, where he was stationed, with my other daughter.

Within a few months, we found out he was getting deployed again. We decided the best choice was for me to move back to New York since I didn't know anyone or how to get around Nebraska while he was gone.

My husband is now in South Korea. He was supposed to be there for a year. That year will be over later this month.

This should be a time when I'm excited to see him, but I'm not. He was able to get leave and make it back before our daughter was born. After that, he returned to Korea.

On New Year's Day, he told me that he had cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. I went through all the different emotions possible. I love my husband dearly and I want to be with him -- not because we have a child together, but because I love him with every fiber of my being.

But I don't think this is a situation I can deal with.

I do not want to share my husband with another woman, and my daughter shouldn't have to share her father when she barely got the chance to be with him and form a bond. I tried keeping the communication up between us, but I can no longer be put on the back burner with our child because he got someone else pregnant.

He has broken every vow he made to me, and he has lost my respect and trust. I'm not sure if I can forgive him completely.

So I asked him to sacrifice everything, if he wants this family that he asked me for. I want him to lose all contact with this woman and the child.

I know that is a lot to ask of a man, but I cannot live a life filled with chaos and drama. So I ask you, is what I asked of him too much?

By the way, we are supposed to be moving to Germany in the next month and a half or so when he gets back from his deployment.

-- A Military Wife and Mother

Dear Wife and Mother,

Let me first say that I don't think you should rush into any decision. It's too soon.

Yes, I know that you are experiencing a range of emotions, and that is totally understandable. Of course, you are angry, sad, confused, mad and grieving the loss of trust with your husband. You cannot believe what he did.

Here's the deal: He needs to get a paternity test when the child is born before he assumes any responsibility.

It sounds like the other woman is "digging her heels in" too quickly and that says she is trying to get on the first bus passing by.

Let me be honest: You are a married woman, and life happens to married people too. Sometimes, we have to grow up real quick and face hardships that we did not want to face and accept some things we did not ask for.

This situation is not your fault, but your marriage can be saved. It will take a lot of work from you and your husband.

This could be his child. If so, you won't be the first woman whose husband fathered a child with another woman outside of his marriage. Your marriage can survive this, but you and your husband will need to join forces together (strong forces).

If your husband is this baby's father, you cannot ask him to turn his back on the baby. It's not the child's fault. He/she did not ask for this to happen.

So, I recommend counseling for you and your husband, that you don't make any quick decisions regarding a divorce, and that he get a paternity test.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you decide to do.

-- Ms. Vicki


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