A therapist with deep ties to the military community, Dr. Emma Smith writes a monthly advice column for Military.com.
Dear Dr. Emma,
My husband and I love each other. And, honestly, our marriage is pretty solid overall. We’re friends and around most things, good teammates. We’re not like some couples we know: constantly fighting.
But there are certain conversations we just cannot have.
Every now and then, he brings up something he’s unhappy about in our relationship, and I melt down. I don’t know if he just has the world’s worst timing, or if it’s just how he’s saying it, but whatever it is, I immediately feel like I’m being attacked. Or like I’m the worst wife ever. I get so angry so fast that I can barely control it. Or conversely, I cry hysterically and feel like my world is coming apart. And then he gets angry. Either way, later in the day, I feel ashamed. And he feels hopeless because the original issue never gets resolved.
Why do I do this?
We’ve been through deployments, PCS moves and a lot of stress together. We’re used to being strong and taking on challenges together. Our friends look to us as a “model couple,” which only makes me feel worse.
We’re not enemies. I love him. He loves me.
How do we fix it before it ruins our relationship?
-- Tired of the Loop in Texas
Dear Tired of the Loop,
I need you to hear this from me: You are far from alone.
And while you may never hear the thanks from the people your letter will help, I promise you, they are thanking you for writing.
You and your husband are not alone. Far from it.
In fact, several therapist colleagues recently asked me to record a podcast episode about this exact dynamic because they see it so often in civilian couples. And we all know the military has a tendency to turn the volume up to 10, so it's no surprise you’re feeling it, too.
Read More: Off the Clock with Dr. Emma: Am I Burned Out from Military Life?
Most people don’t relish airing their dirty laundry to friends and family, so from your position, it can be hard to know how common this challenge really is. But let me assure you: It is not rare. You sound like a loving couple stuck in a painful loop.
Most couples have at least one topic they simply cannot discuss. Some couples don’t even realize it because they’ve stopped bringing the issue up altogether. Others learn to avoid it after a few blowups.
These are what we call “gridlocked” issues -- meaning, like a traffic jam, you just can’t move forward. That said, gridlock is not a sign that your marriage is doomed.
Add military life to the mix, and those gridlocked issues can take on a different weight.
Military marriages are built under pressure. They are also asked to withstand challenges many civilians can’t fully comprehend: deployments, reintegration, PCSing every few years, shifting roles, long stretches of solo parenting, rank structures and the blending of professional and home life.
All of these factors train you to be strong, self-reliant and mission-focused. But they can also train you to live in a near-constant state of bracing for impact.
And that same strength and agility that allows you to pivot during an unexpected deployment can also make emotional vulnerability feel dangerous.
Here’s What I Hear in Your Letter
Your husband says something that critiques the relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you necessarily disagree with the critique -- I can’t quite tell. Maybe he’s tired. Maybe he’s frustrated. Maybe, as you said, his timing is terrible for where you are in your day. Maybe his delivery sounds more like he’s addressing a junior soldier than his wife.
Whatever the reason, it’s not landing well. It’s irritating.
But instead of responding as irritated, your whole body explodes.
It feels like an accusation.
Like you’re being told you’re wrong.
Like you’re failing.
Like you’re not enough.
The anger rises so fast it feels almost out of your control.
Read More: Off the Clock With Dr. Emma: My Spouse Is Home From Deployment, but Something’s Not Right
Your spouse says, “This is bothering me,” but what you hear is, “You’re failing again.”
And I don’t know anyone who enjoys hearing that. It does sound, though, like your reaction may be disproportionate to the feedback.
There can be many reasons why someone responds poorly to feedback; reasons well beyond what I can fully unpack in a column. If you’re not sure where the origin points are, a licensed therapist can absolutely help you explore that. If you need help finding one, you can contact your local Military and Family Life Counseling on base or use Military OneSource.
For the sake of illustration:
Let’s say you grew up being criticized harshly, blamed unfairly or made to feel less-than.
In these kinds of scenarios, you may have learned that feedback equals danger.
But as you so clearly stated, when defensiveness takes over, the actual issue never gets resolved. And the strain on the relationship is real.
He feels shut out.
You feel ashamed.
He feels like he’s walking into a landmine.
You feel bad for being “too much.”
He worries that bringing anything up will just make things worse.
You feel like you’re losing control of yourself.
You’re right to be concerned. Because over time, this kind of pattern shrinks necessary conversations. Hard topics get avoided, and you both may start managing the relationship instead of engaging in it. It’s one of the ways couples who deeply love and care about each other slowly drift apart.
An Alternative Perspective
As I was considering my reply, I couldn’t help but think about what I would say if your husband had written instead.
I imagine he might say:
“I feel like I can’t say anything without it blowing up.”
I would remind him that military culture often rewards directness, efficiency and getting to the point.
But at home, tone, timing and revisiting conversations in bite-sized pieces matter. Small gestures, such as eye rolls, heavy sighs and an edge of indignation in your voice can shut down a conversation before it even begins, especially if your partner carries old shame wounds.
I would tell him he is not responsible for regulating your emotions. But part of being a good teammate is helping interrupt the pattern.
I would encourage him to try:
“When [situation] happens, I feel disconnected. I want us to feel close.”
You can’t argue with how someone feels. And you can’t argue with how someone wants to feel.
That shifts the conversation from criticism to an invitation toward collaboration.
The Fix
You asked how to fix this. But I need to tell you: Healthy couples have conflict. They disagree about money, parenting, career decisions, boundaries with extended family and the stress of the next move.
Conflict by itself is not a red flag.
It’s what happens during and after conflict that determines whether a relationship grows stronger or weaker.
In military marriages, especially, many couples are used to powering through. We are taught to push down feelings to stay mission-focused (and that’s not just the service member), or told we should be able to handle things alone.
But unresolved patterns like the one you’re describing don’t disappear.
They calcify. They become walled-off “no-go zones.” And when certain conversations become off-limits because they always explode, your emotional life narrows, and connection can weaken.
Here’s the tricky part: When couples do this, they may actually start fighting less.
And before you say, “That’s great -- sign me up,” understand that the cost of using avoidance to appear polite and functional is distance.
The work is less about eliminating conflict and more about changing what happens in the moment of activation.
You can work with a therapist or coach to develop the ability to catch when you’re about to lose it -- and name it early.
The goal isn’t to agree on everything or to remain calm 100% of the time. The goal is to stay regulated enough to ask for a pause.
“I’m getting activated. I want to stay on the same team. Give me a minute.”
No one is responsible for how they were initially shaped. But as adults, we are responsible for who we become in our relationships.
Love -- and this feels especially true in military life -- will expose the places where we feel most unsure or inadequate. And the military has a culture that tolerates very little below our absolute best. In that system, we can experience normal growth edges as shameful inadequacies.
Or you can choose to see them as an invitation.
Again, this is absolutely the kind of pattern that responds well to working with a trained couples therapist, particularly one who understands the unique stressors of military life. If therapy isn’t for you, I also remember having a positive experience joining my partner for a Strong Bonds weekend retreat hosted by the chaplain.
You are stuck in a loop that can be interrupted. And “stuck” is workable.
Off the clock, but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
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