Under the Radar

Mustache of the Year Voter's Guide


Goulet Memorial Mustached American Finalists Announced

VOTE: It's your civic responsibility (only hippies and Commies don't vote)

As you may recall from last Friday’s article, the American Mustache Institute just closed out voting for the 2011 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award. Your redoubtable (and intrepid) 1/6 scale reporters are now able to report to you that after more than 500 nominations, 21 finalists in this ancient, storied contest have been announced.

Finalists have been selected and verified by vetted and certified mustacheologists of AMI’s mustache analysis unit. Among them are:

Marine Corps Maj. Richard Ashford of San Diego, a zipper-suited sun god from Light Attack Helicopter Squadron 267

Air Force Cap. Michael Van Ert, a genuine ring-knocking graduate of the USAF Academy

Deputy Sheriff Ryan Gausman of Snohomish County, WA (a rescue pilot)

Ted Sjureth, the man who established and voluntarily ran the 9/11 Foundation

To see the full list of 22 finalists and vote (preferably for one of our choices rather than your own). If you are foolish enough to disagree, visit the Goulet award voting page on the AMI site here.

The winner will be announced Oct. 28 in Chicago at 'Stache Bash 2011.

Should you be capable of cultivating and maintaining the appropriate gear, you too can join the American Mustache Institute. Just remember, as a member of the AMI you will be expected to pledge to do the following:

  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache during his first term to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch Sex And The City.
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
(Don’t bother to ask what happens if you join and are forsworn. The results are too apocalyptically apoplectically horrible to contemplate.)

You might also be interested in knowing that (according to their own published policies and procedures) AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro.

Wearing a "Dictator" mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.

In the end, you should remember what MSgt Peters of the 97TH SFS and MSgt DuFriend (retired) of the 138TH would say: “With a great mustache comes great responsibility.”

Feel free to vote as directed by the Mad Duo. It's easy, it's painless and it's the right thing to do.


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