They sure don't make 'em like they used to. That's what a recent study at Duke University on combat helmets would have you believe.
Findings from the study suggested France's World War I-era "Adrian" style helmets might be more effective at mitigating the effects of shock waves from artillery rounds -- traumatic brain injury -- than the Army's current Advanced Combat Helmet (ACH).
The Army says that study was incredibly flawed.
Simply put, the Duke researchers tested the effectiveness of the helmet against shock waves five meters from the blast. Artillery enthusiasts know that the shock wave from artillery shells isn't the only thing that kills you -- and five meters (16.5 feet) is close enough to shred your pride and pretty much everything else about you.
And probably everyone else around you.
Read: Were WWI 'Tinpot' Helmets Really Better at Preventing TBI? The Army Says No
At five meters, TBI would be the last thing to worry about. So let's honor all the hard work done by the people at the Combat Capabilities Development Command's Army Research Laboratory by retiring those old helmets.
We could even upcycle them, giving them new life for a different purpose. Here are a few suggestions.
5. Make Donuts
During the Great War, the Salvation Army deployed teams of "Doughnut Girls" to make their way to the front and prepare delicious fried treats for the boys in the trenches. Using flour, sugar, lard, baking powder, canned milk and a dash of cinnamon, they would serve them in small pans. As demand grew, the ladies had to expand their operation and started to use old helmets. At their most productive, they were able to make 9,000 a day.
This is the origin of National Doughnut Day and may be the origin to the nickname given to American troops in WWI: "Doughboys"
4. Wear It to Work
History buffs might be aware that the age of America's rising skyscrapers began shortly after WWI. No matter what research is done about military helmets, all studies agree that wearing a helmet is better than not wearing one. This is just as true on a construction site. One American inventor, Edward W. Bullard, came back from Europe and created a shellacked, canvas helmet for the workers of the world.
These early helmets were a little expensive, but everyone was soon required to have one. Veterans of the Great War simply brought their old helmets to work.
3. Create Pyramid Art
You know what's better than winning the War to End All Wars? Celebrating your victory in a big way. No one knew how to celebrate a big win like New York City did back in the day. Before the all-out party-style celebrations of V-E Day and V-J Day, New Yorkers opted for a relatively understated display of martial prowess.
It created a pyramid of captured German helmets stacked higher than Grand Central Terminal, adorned with flags and topped with a statue of Nike of Samothrace, also known as "Winged Victory."
2. Make Cookware
When Germany was defeated in World War II, the defeated Nazi Wehrmacht had a huge surplus of discarded helmets and a huge lack of cookware -- not to mention thousands of hungry people. Enterprising Germans in the West decided to upcycle those old helmets into something useful.
Make spaghetti, not unfounded claims on the Sudetenland!
1. Die
Yes, even after reading the Army's reply to Duke University, there might be some who are still die-hards for the World War I-era helmet. The good news is, that's exactly what would likely happen: a hard death. World War I helmets were never intended to stop bullets, which is a pretty big consideration for the battlefield. Any battlefield. Since, like, the 1500s. You know what can stop a bullet?
Those old helmets were intended for the fragmentation from artillery shells of the era. In contrast, the modern ACH has been shown to stop AK-47 rounds cold in actual combat situations.
Anyone who talks about the "good ol' days" of helmets -- or anything, really -- likely isn't a historian.
-- Blake Stilwell can be reached at blake.stilwell@military.com.
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