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Sunday Funny: Army and Navy News

Two important news stories ignored by the mainstream media, via DuffelBlog

USS Haditha Accidentally Sinks Fishing Boat, Machine-Guns Survivors

Manama, Bahrain – In a rare setback for the international anti-piracy campaign off Somalia, US Navy officials today admitted that the American warship USS Hadithaaccidentally sank a Chinese fishing vessel just east of Somalia and then inadvertently machine-gunned the survivors.

This contradicted the Haditha‘s initial report, which said that it had been attacked by seven pirate skiffs and a pair of pirate-operated Mirage jets armed with Exocet missiles.

Vice Admiral Mark I. Fox, the commander of the United States 5th Fleet, spoke to reporters following reports that a fishing vessel had been “blown out of the water” by “an unusually well-armed warship that happened to be flying an American flag.”

Captain Erik King, the commander of the Haditha, claims that his ship was simply following the rules of engagement.

According to him, the Haditha originally spotted what it thought was a pirate vessel while patrolling 75 nautical miles east of Somalia.

“She was casually steaming up and down the coast with a group of armed men on board, obviously lying in wait for the next innocent ship to steam across her path,” Captain King said.

Many fishing trawlers carry armed guards while sailing through Somali waters.

Read the remainder of the story.

 

 

Obscure Piece of Equipment ‘Probably’ In The Conex, Says 2LT

Fort Knox, KY– Turning over a platoon to a new leader can be a stressful event for most officers, but First Lieutenant Peter Henry isn’t worried about it. His new replacement, Second Lieutenant Heath Johnson, recently graduated from Officer Candidate School and arrived at C Company, 1/26 IN, 3rd BCT two weeks ago.

“I like to break in the new butters. It was the same for me,” said Henry.

After being promoted to First Lieutenant and receiving a transfer to the S-3, 1LT Henry handed over his duties to Johnson. The small turnover ceremony consisted of Henry pushing the contents of his desk into a grungy duffel bag, throwing it at Johnson, laughing maniacally, and handing the new Platoon Leader an antiquated thumb drive with a cryptic message: “This is for the Soldiers; take care of them.”

“I don’t know what the duffel bag was about but that was nothing compared to the flash drive,” said 2LT Johnson, “I mean, it was just full of strange pornography.  I mean, some of that stuff can’t be legal. And its nothing but Bitmaps. Who the hell still downloads single image Bitmaps? Shit is not even JPEG.”

Henry was remarkably silent about his accountability for certain sensitive items that were scattered randomly about the company and battalion areas. The situation became apparent when Captain James Rodgers, commanding officer of Charlie Company, dropped by Johnson’s small broom closet and asked him for the sensitive item inventory. Sitting on a buffer and smelling of Pine-Sol, 2LT Johnson didn’t know what the commander was talking about.

“I told him to get his ass in gear and get me that damn paperwork,” said CPT Rogers.

Read the remainder of the story.

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