Let me just begin by saying, this Sunday Funny is NOT work safe. It's not even family safe (well for most of you). If you don't have a gritty sense of humor and you're going to be offended, I respectfully suggest you don't watch. If you do watch and don't like it,
don't get butt hurt over it. I warned you. I mean no disrespect to Christmas. Quite the contrary. Christmas and Easter are important days to me. I grew up Catholic, in a family of predominantly Irish and Scottish farm families. Military personnel of our family and friends wore St. Michael, St. George and St. Maurice medallions and the cops all wore one of St. Michael. Christmas itself isn't something to be mocked, but that doesn't mean you have to give up your sense of humor.
Anyway, a lot of you are already familiar with Action Figure Therapy. It's popular with a lot of people in our demographic, though it isn't exactly beloved of many institutions). I called the creator of AFT yesterday and had a chat with him about their plans for Christmas and coming year. He was kind enough to let me conduct an impromptu interview with a couple of the AFT team who happened to be nearby. The interview is below. Here are a couple of their Christmas videos, including the new smash hit Jungle Balls.
Dan Bialek: It has been an amazing year, man. I'd have never believed things would get to where they are now, or that we would have the support of such and incredible fan base. It's humbling, and we want to thank everyone. We've got over a hundred thousand Facebook fans, literally millions of views on Youtube, we've been able to do AFT standup shows on some different bases...it's just really taken off, and we've got some awesome stuff planned for next year.
<Jungle interrupts here and tells us to get the f*&# on with it. I will spare you his language and the graphic description of what he can do with the Jungle Death Boner>
Me: Fine, lighten up dude. Jungle, you typically seem like a man's man, but in your Jungle Balls video you mention wine coolers. Is that a throwback to your 80s heritage or are you just exhibiting a softer side for the holidays?
Jungle: Some chicks like wine coolers, man. Whatever floats their boat. I’m down to party so I’ll drink just about whatever helps me get my buzz on.
Ranger: Dude, high school chicks like to drink wine coolers. You wrote and sang a song about getting drunk in a sled while trying to pick up high school chicks.
Jungle: As long as they’re over 18. Hell, just because a chick fails the 11th grade four or five times doesn’t upset me one bit.
Me: Angry Ranger, the song Jungle Balls, Jungle's Christmas song, is really taking off…he says it will be the smash hit of the season and that he thinks they may actually let him replace Ryan Seacrest on the New Year's Eve special. The song surpassed Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer on the charts, Wayne Newton allegedly sang it at a private party for Magnum Tuggs and Keith Olbermann, and it’s apparently going to be featured on Ulala Session on their holiday album. Is it true the song was inspired by your defeat and humiliation at Jungle's hands? Is it true he always teabags his opponents after he kills them (especially if it's you) and yells Jungle Balls every time? How do you feel about that? Do you ever find yourself singing the song?
Ranger: (Teeth gritted, he takes a deep breath and fights back a sneer. Strangely, his hands are clenched tight like he's throttling someone as he speaks, though his voice remains calm.) That defeat at Jungle’s hands? In a couple of our XBox videos I was trying to teach him how to play Halo Reach and he isn’t on spending entire game rubbing his little video soldier’s groin all over everything on the screen. Doesn’t the word defeat suggest that the other person involved in the conflict was the winner? Rubbing your tiny video game player’s balls on dead aliens doesn’t sound like being much of a winner to me.
Jungle Hey man, me and Dick Clark get a lot of ladies. Ryan Seacrest, no way he could that kind of ass. Of course I'm gonna replace him.
Me: Angry Ranger, did you get anything for Jungle or any other team members for Christmas?
Ranger: We had a secret Santa at AFT HQ this year. Everybody gave and got a bunch of crap for the most part. However, we did all chip in and get Snow an iPad 2. He’d been hinting that he wanted one for the past few months and we figured if we didn’t get him one and someone got him something stupid or offensive he might pull out his gun at the party and starting threatening to blow off people’s junk. He does that when he gets mad, which is pretty much all the time.
Me: Do any of you ever play BF3 or MW3 on line with your fans, or do you mostly just enjoy killing each other?
Ranger: We’ve played some MW3 online with fans via our XBox Live account XBOXAFT. Usually just play with each other for our gameplay videos, though. Mostly because when we play two-player we end up getting in fights and play pretty poorly. And we wouldn’t want to be a detriment to anybody’s team in multiplay.
Jungle: what did you ask for from Santa Claus?
Jungle: I asked Santa for a bunch things this year. A set of Truck Nutz for my van, if I ever get it back. I also want a lightsaber and a monkey. I’ve been pretty good this year, so I’m hoping old Saint Nick comes through.
Me: Would any of you have sex with an elf?
Jungle: I already did. At the AFT Christmas party. It was awesome. She was a real looker, too. You know what they say, good things come in small packages.
Me: Any of you AFT team members...in all seriousness, it's Christmas. Though we've pulled out of Iraq, there are still plenty of our friends and family members living in danger, in field conditions and away from their families, all around the world. Aghanistan, the Horn of Africa, places like the DMZ in Korea, at sea...do you want to say anything to them?
Ranger: We want to wish them a Merry Christmas and tell them we hope they come home safe and soon.
Jungle: Yeah, man, ditto for that. And thanks for watching all of our videos. There will be plenty more on the way soon. Hell yeah! Note: AFT is giving away the mp3 of AFT's "Jungle Balls"song for free for the next 48 hours. You can download it here:
Merry Christmas to all and sundry, particularly those of you who are now or were in the noble profession of arms. I'd especially like to wish a Merry Christmas to my friends in the 45TH IBCT, the 146th ASOS and the 97TH SFS who are all deployed. Stay safe and come home soon.