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Home, Sweet, Impregnable Fortress Home

Zhang Cheng and his 1,300 mile-per-hour choice of office decor has reignited my long forgotten desire to create my own fortress of doom.volcano.jpgDecade old changes in military purchasing habits have opened avenues for regular folk and paranoid <a href="fruitcakes alike. In the age of 'global' terror, your puny house alarm is only likely give provide sample-fodder for super-burglars mixing beats in their stolen iPod Nanos. So what could I do to protect my junk from techno-pirates and annoying little sh*ts that may or may not live down my street?(For the benefit of those waiting for the missile-silo bubble to burst, we'll pretend I've got a fully-loaded island in the sun, complete with volcano).Starting outside, the perimeter of mi casa should be free of all surveillance platforms and rival gangs. Advanced optics and specialized audio equipment placed around the gaff should provide me with ample warning of approaching homemade UAVs. Of course, you could also create your own air coverage like Bin Laden, or just buy real time satellite imagery if you're lazy.Walls don't really go with the volcano, so Isla Snell features laser fencing to detect any possible intruder. Guard dogs are too low-tech, so in the age of genetic modification I've created my own protection: glow-in-the-dark guard pigs. Depending on my set up, speakers/sirens could also nauseate the intruder with my rendition of "I Fought the Law" whilst riot-slime causes hilarious slip'n'slide movements.Surplus light armour is available to move from one side of the yard to the other and the spy car will patrol the areas my guard pigs don't. If you're lucky enough to survive the pigs/slime, please feel free to ring the buzzer. Biometrics would secure all doors and windows but I've opted for the alternative, of course.For today's wealthy agoraphobes, a modest $10,000 could provide features such as candle-stick activating doorways and revolving fireplaces. Naturally all electrics are connected by a central system, but my modesty shots are kept off-site. Robotic agents patrol the corridors feeding video to the Tablet PC alerting me to any food delivery. A thermal camera would help me avoid creditors meaning I could make a quick getaway in my submarine. Any attempt to gain underwater access would be detected by the robo-fish, of course.Some among you may argue that fear has clouded reason and that paranoia has led to the 21st century version of bomb shelter hysteria, that we don't actually need used military equipment and high-tech 'home-alone' protection. But with the balls/idiocy of todays 'crim-orrists' (or terr-inals), now might be the time to spruce up the old homestead and -- let's face it -- play with some of the coolest inventions since Porno Pez.Now, if I only had room in the tub...-- Steven Snell

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