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A Damn Canadian Wins Mustached American Award

You mustached mortals (and a few bare-lipped freaks) will be happy to know that Milwaukee Brewers pitcher John Axford has been named the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year for 2011. He received approximately half the roughly eleventy four billion one line votes received.

Just kidding. There were only a million…but that’s still a lot of votes.

The Mad Duo blames the mustached military at large for allowing a celebrity athlete to win instead of a serving member, but we will concede that there weren’t a lot of military nominees and we could have given you more notice. We’ll do better next year, if you’ll help make sure one of our own—preferably a shooter or doorkicker—wins this award. We will also admit the Ax has a decent ‘stache.

An Air Force captain placed fifth in the contest, which is four less than first.

Axford received his award at Joe’s Bar in Chicago during the annual ‘Stache Bash, raising more than a few eyebrows and bristling a few ‘staches when someone in the crowd of approximately 500 hairy-lipped men and women realized…Hey…Axford is a Canadian! How can a Canadian be named Mustached American of the year? Unknown, and pay no attention to the fact that the award was named for a Canuck in the first place. Canada, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is a cold northern state near Oregon and Wisconsin.

Thank God or John Candy and Omega Force, says the Duo.

“We are honored to give this award to the Ax man,” said AMI Chairman Aaron Perlut. “Even though he is Canadian, we believe John represents everything else the Mustached American community values: humor, intelligence and good looks. He is also very tall.”

Axford himself may have had something to say about winning the award, but we’re not going to repeat it here because 1) we don’t like the Brewers and 2) except for Capt. Kirk, Wolverine and the Canadian military personnel who helped us in Afghanistan we don’t care for Canadians, and 3) Canada is really cold.

Anyway, the ceremony raised a lot of money for the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LIVESTRONG. According to at least two accounts, part of the audience may have enjoyed dancing to the sound of Chicago’s Flavor Savors, the official band of the American Mustache Institute and several Eastern European countries.

For more information, visit the American Mustache Institute on the web.

Here’s an interesting video featuring Chicago’s own Rahm Emmanel discussing the event:

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