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Vicki: My Marine Says I'm a Gold Digger

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I came across your page while looking up bad marriage stories. I'm 19 years old and my high school sweetheart and I have been together since seventh grade in 2008. On December 22nd 2015, just over a year after our senior year, we got married.

I love him very much but he continuously lies to me. I'm in school and working a minimum wage job to help my mom out. I ask my "husband" for help but he always says "he doesn't have it." Or he'll promise me next time he gets paid he'll send me something but never does.

He made all these promises that we were a family and that we were going to move in together when he came back from leave in January and I was going move back to Hawaii with him where he's currently stationed. He's in California now training before he gets deployed in June and now, all of sudden, he's saying I can't come to Hawaii until December 2016 even though we've been looking at apartments and planning for me to go to Hawaii now.

Last week I asked him to send me money because while he was in town I was paying for my own food when he didn't have any money during his leave in December. He told me, once again, he doesn't 't have it and he'd send some but never did. Then he switched the lie to "I'm trying to save, babe, for the both of us." So I asked for his account number to see exactly how much he saved and he wouldn't give it to me. He cussed me out and called me a gold digger and said that it's his f-ing money and it's none of my business and I should just keep working and living at my momma's house.

I was in disbelief because I couldn't believe my own husband was saying these things to me. So I signed into his bank account without him knowing and saw he had only $100 in his account, even though he claimed he's been saving for about four months now!

Before he joined the military he always had my back whether it was financially or mentally and I gave the same to him. We were together when he didn't even have a job or car and I was giving him gas and food money and now he speaks to me as if I'm after him for money. I still haven't told him I saw his account and we haven't spoken in about two days.

I'm really just in shock right now and I feel he married me for money only. I looked at his past transactions and he constantly eats out. He talks to me like a stranger but he was so sweet and loving before he went to the military and before he arrived at his duty station. Now he's turned hateful and nasty. He isn't the person I fell in love with, I don't even recognize him at this point. I'm completely lost and I'm close to giving up on this marriage. Please help me, what should I do? My high school sweetheart is an impulsive liar!

Sincerely,
High School Sweetheart

Dear High School Sweetheart,

I'm sorry to hear about everything that has happened in your marriage.

You probably realize that finances can cause major problems in a marriage. I believe this is what is causing some huge concerns in your marriage, too.

The second thing that I can point out is the distance or miles between you and your husband. This is often seen in military families: the service member living separately from his family for a few months or longer depending on their situation.

While I think this is a stressful time for you and your husband, I don't want to overlook his behavior towards you. Yes, you are a young couple but he can't tantrum and start swearing and calling you names. That shows his immaturity. In addition, you are a military family member because you are his wife. That means you should have a military ID card, health care and access to military bases, too. Another concern of mine is that he cannot leave you without finances. Now, he may not be earning a lot of income right now but whatever he is earning he has to take care of you.

I know his behavior is shocking. From your tone, I get the feeling this is like a bad dream, a nightmare. Your concerns are valid, but I don't think this will be resolved until you are both living together in the same household.

It sounds like this may be the first time your husband has had any freedom, to include some sense of financial freedom. He wants to spend as he pleases and he doesn't want you to tell him what he can and cannot do. Now, I think your marriage can make it through this rough patch.

My quick advice is to talk more about your transition to Hawaii. I think if you both can get back together you can start working on your finances together. I'm not saying you should accept his yelling and swearing, because you shouldn't. I'm just saying you haven't been married very long and I would hate to see you throw in the towel so soon. Keep me informed with updates. Write again when you can.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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