Dear Ms. Vicki,
I have become pretty desperate for advice in dealing with my parents. My boyfriend is a Marine Corps officer and we are soon to be engaged. I know that he has spoken to friends about what kind of ring I would like and made appointments at several stores to go look.
He will be going to California soon, and the plan has always been that I will be going with him. I have already applied to a couple of Master Degree programs out there. Recently though, my parents have been giving me a lot of grief about quitting my job, taking out loans for school and going with him.
My parents do not seem to be accepting the decisions that I make. They still constantly pressure me about when he will propose. They also threaten that they will cut ties with me if I choose to go to California with him. They find it pathetic that I want to "give up my education and career" to go with him, which I find to be inconsiderate and hurtful.
I care for my Marine very much and want to support him through everything, as I know he wants to do for me. Some may disagree, but right now that is more of a priority to me than a career I do not enjoy.
Although I don't want to hurt my parents, I need to find a way to communicate to them that they can help guide me and understand and support my decisions or they need to just stay out of everything. We have tried to talk about this before, but it almost always results in arguing and yelling. Can you help me?
You are correct in saying that you are an adult now. However, being an adult doesn’t stop your parents from being fearful and expressing their concerns about their child’s decisions.
It sounds like you have made a final decision to move to California with your boyfriend. Just understand you are moving with him as his girlfriend and not his wife. Things could work out for you both. You could marry and live happily ever after, as I hope you will.
On the other hand, you can move to California with him and he could have a change of heart and decide he doesn’t want to marry you and that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
I’ve witnessed both situations several times. Whatever happens, I think you will be able to deal with it. I can understand your parents' concerns. They want you to have every situation to your advantage. From their viewpoint, traveling with him as his girlfriend is not to your advantage.
In this case, you can only tell your parents that you love and respect them but you have made your decision. They may not support you, but it won’t change your love for them. Let them know you will keep the lines of communication with them as you embark on this journey with your boyfriend. Continue with your education and take care of yourself.
|Family and Spouse|
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.
Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.
If you’ve ever read best-selling author John Gray’s book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, then you know he believes communication styles between men and women differ significantly and it affects everything from emotional needs, to modes of behavior, to coping mechanisms and stress. He also claims these commonly occurring conflicts between men ... Continue Reading