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What to Tell Someone Who's Involved with a Married Man?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm 18 years old. My aunt and I have a very close bond, so close that she tells me about her guy problems. Recently, it's been really hard trying to give her advice.

She's been sleeping with a married Army man for as long as I can remember. Now he has a son. They were fooling around before he had the son. I can't recall the excuses he gave her then.

About a year ago, he told my aunt that he wanted her to move on and find someone who is good for her, but he gets jealous whenever she does find a guy.

He tells her that he misses her and can't live without her. He's tells her that, if he had met my aunt first, he would have married her and not his wife. His excuse is that his wife doesn't sleep with him anymore.

I don't know how to get my aunt to open her eyes. I know he is lying, and all he wants at the end of the day is to get laid.

Do you have any advice that I could give her that might make her wake up? She asked him if he would leave the wife so they can be together, but he said he won't because of his 4-year-old son. Please help me.

-- My Aunt's In Trouble

Dear Trouble,

It sounds like you have more common sense than your aunt. It sounds like she's fallen for the "married man lies."

They all say, "I wish I had met you first." And "I don't have sex with my wife." And "I'm staying with her because we have a child together." And "Just be patient because I will marry you as soon as I leave her."

They all say these things, and these are all lies.

He will never leave his wife and, as long as your aunt is available, he will continue to come by, sleep with her, make a few promises and then leave. I'm not sure how old your aunt is, but she sounds like the 18-year-old and you sound like the older, wiser one in your relationship.

I know you love your aunt and you want what's best for her. You don't want to see her being led down the wrong path, which is what is currently happening. However, there is really nothing you can do. You have talked until you are blue in the face, but she doesn't care. She will continue to see her married boyfriend because she doesn't want to leave him alone.

On the other hand, she absolutely knows he's lying, but she wants to stay on his train for a longer ride to nowhere. The only thing you can do is let her stay on the train until she gets tired. She's older than you, and she should know better. As long as you don't mind her crying on your shoulder, there really is nothing else you can do.

I hope this helps. It sounds like you would never follow in your aunt's footsteps on this issue. Good for you! Keep in touch.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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