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Stop Chasing After Married Soldier

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am a solid, professional, fortysomething woman who is the right balance of sweet and spicy.

I was married for 16 years to a man who loved me, but due to his alcohol abuse and his inability to keep a job, I exited the marriage.

Two years ago, I met a military man who was so much of what I sought. He was strong, manly and sweet. We had an amazing first year together. I met his father and he met my sister.

There was talk of marriage and merging lives. He showed me his financial assets. Even though he was (and is) married, he had plans to exit the marriage prior to meeting me. He does not live with his wife; he is stationed elsewhere.

One year ago, he admitted he did not want to be the "other man" and reduced contact with me considerably. While we talk once a week, I've not seen him since May. He is aware that my old relationship is now over.

Ms. Vicki, I am torn. I don't know if I'm just hopefully wishing or if my recent divorce now paints a different picture for him. He realizes he needs to take action. As do I.

When I'm vocal about his making a choice and not settling, he says I'm rushing a healing process and should take the time now to be alone and be clear with my thoughts.

While I don't disagree, I just want to know if he has further intentions with me because I feel the need to heal broadly.

I paint him as the good man he is, but there have also been several major dates he's missed this year (holidays and my birthday) and he has been very reserved and non-expressive this year.

But every few months or so, I do get a whopper that brings me right back emotionally. I welcome your thoughts and questions.

Sincerely,
Sweet and Spicy

Dear Ms. Sweet and Spicy,

I think you are someone who is free to move on and begin a new relationship, only this strong, manly, sweet man is not ready to move forward with you.

I have to be honest -- this man may never be ready to move forward with you. However, he is definitely in a relationship with someone.

Statistics and my experience with situations like this tell me that he is still in a relationship with his wife ... hot and heavy.

As a matter of fact, his relationship with his wife perhaps was never over, but your man has some “play” in him and he is never going to divorce his wife.

It is probably just a line he gives to women he meets while he is on his military travels.

Just because they live apart does not mean the marriage is over. Some military couples and other professionals live separately for many years and for many reasons. In my professional opinion, it’s probably a very small percentage of people who can accomplish this for years without cheating or having multiple affairs.

It sounds like he was cool as long as you were married too. He didn’t have to worry about you confronting him about making a decision.

Now that your marriage is over and you want something more from him, he is conveniently putting the brakes on moving forward with you -- so much that he hasn’t seen you since May!

Please allow me to give you a “gut-check.” You haven’t seen the guy you are in love with since May and he is not deployed to a foreign country. Does this sound like a man who is really that interested in moving forward in a committed relationship with you?

You are a very intelligent woman with a lot of great things to offer. You have to believe that. You have to understand that he has moved on from you. He could be with his wife or some other woman.

Think about it: When a man loves a woman, he doesn’t miss several major holidays in a year. Instead, he will attempt to move heaven and Earth just to be with her.

This guy will never fully be available to you. Of the couples that divorce after infidelity, only three percent actually go on to marry the other woman. And of that three percent who do marry, 85 percent end up divorced within two years.

Let me be your conscience, Ms. Sweet And Spicy. That man is married. So leave him alone. You are too good to be a side-chick.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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