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Should They Move In Together After Dating for 3 Months?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My boyfriend is in the military. We have been dating for three months, so our relationship is fairly new. We talk a lot about our plans for ourselves individually and our plans for where we want our relationship to go. He's a great guy and, honestly, I feel like I'm falling in love with him as each day goes by.

We recently discussed moving in with each other and I was super excited, but now I'm having second thoughts. In the three months we've been together, he went to the field for two weeks, he went to his home town for Christmas break for another two weeks and now he's in California for training for a month. I kind of feel like I don't know him, but then I also feel like I'm falling for this guy.

He also just told me that he might be deploying in June. I asked him if he planned on getting out the military since he just got his bachelor's degree. He said he was going to get out and go back in as an officer, but then he changed his mind and now he's in the process of transferring to become a warrant officer. He likes the military so he doesn't plan on getting out any time soon.

I'm just confused. We've only been together three months and he's basically been gone the whole three months. I can't imagine where we'll be three years from now. We talk a lot on the phone and do video calls, but I don't want that to be our whole relationship, but that's his life.

-- Are We Moving Too Fast?

Dear Too Fast,

I think it's wonderful that you are getting to see what a long-term relationship or marriage will be like with this great guy. It sounds like he has his eyes and heart set on a military career. A military career will be filled with transitions to new places, military schools and trainings, field exercises and even long deployments.

I can tell that you are thinking, "how in the world are we supposed to maintain a relationship if he is away all of the time?" Well, many military marriages and relationships manage to make it work. On Military.Com and SpouseBuzz, you will find a wealth of information that will help you understand exactly what your boyfriend is experiencing and also what military spouses experience.

You will be a part of this life, too, for as long as the two of you are together. If you stay on this journey with him, you will need support from loving family and friends. I won't make you think this is easy or even that you will like military life. You may not like it. But I do believe that love plays a major factor.

Now for your questions: Honestly, I don't think you should move in with him. First, you just met him. Yes, he seems like a nice guy, but you just don't know him very well yet.

Second, women write me frequently to tell me about how they met and quickly moved in with a military guy only to have him leave for a school or for another duty station and never return. These women write to me because they've been left with a pile of debt that their once-great guy now won't help pay.

Are you moving too fast? You probably are because you have so many questions. This says that you have a lot to discover and learn about each other. It's OK to take your time. Let me know what you decide to do.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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