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Should She Follow Him Even If He Isn't Promising Anything in Future?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I've decided to reach out to you because I'm not sure where to go. My boyfriend is currently active-duty military, and he told me today that next month he is putting in paperwork to transfer to the National Guard so he can move back home. 

We have been together for 17 months now and we have gone through one deployment. It takes a toll and it's hard, but I love him and I think he is worth it.

He said his cross training will take six to 12 months depending on timing and that he will constantly be traveling so I probably won't get to see him.

After that, he plans to move back to his home town, which is an 18-hour drive away from where I live. He said that I can move there too, if I want to, but I'd be leaving all of my friends, family and my career behind.

He said he has no intention of marrying me any time soon, so I think it might be risky, because what if we did break up after I moved there? If I don't go, I worry that he will just leave me behind.

I don't know what to think, feel or do right now. I'm scared that either way I might lose him, and that's the last thing that I want. He is my best friend and the love of my life. What should I do?

The Strung Along Girlfriend

Dear Strung Along,

Well, here goes: I think you should move on with your life. Stay where you are and continue to work toward your dreams and your goals. I don't have any daughters, but I can just imagine my mother saying, "Vicki, you are making a stupid mistake if you follow after a guy who doesn't even love you enough to marry you."

I understand that a lot of people live together before they're married. I get it. On the other hand, I believe that people, especially military spouses and military girlfriends or boyfriends, should have their own resources and be able to take care of themselves.

Suppose you do leave everything just to be with him, and then the two of you break up? Your family will have to drop everything to come and save you.

I cannot get over the fact that you say he is not promising you anything if you do move to be with him. You have to hear that. So, my advice is that if he isn't willing to promise you anything, you shouldn't be willing to give him anything. Let him move on with his life and you move on with yours.

When he is ready to move Heaven and Earth to be with you ... he will.

Thanks so much for writing to me,
Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.