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She Doesn't Like Him Staying Friends with His Exes on Facebook

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I have a quick question for you because I know you will give me an honest answer: Do you think it's fair for my husband to still be friends with all of his exes on Facebook?

They're all on his Facebook and he follows them on Instagram too. He keeps saying they are all only friends and that he has known them for a long time. He's even had the nerve to say he's known them longer than he has known me! What is that supposed to mean? Does it mean that I should keep my mouth closed and just follow along? Well, I won't because I don't think what he's doing is right at all!

My husband is a very nice guy, but he's very naive too. He wouldn't know if a woman was flirting with him, but I do. As long as he is still on social media with his exes, I don't think I will be able to trust him. Do you think I should let my feelings go or should I keep confronting him about it?

If I keep finding communications between him and his exes, I think I will start communicating with my exes too.

-- Goose and Gander

Dear Goose and Gander,

First things first: Don't play those tit-for tat games with your husband. No one ever wins.

I do think you have to confront your fears. You think your husband is keeping in touch with his old girlfriends because he is still hooking up with them or because he wants to. You have every right to be concerned about that. Social networking can have a big impact on relationships, and everyone should be concerned about that. We need the technology, but I've seen the havoc it can wreak havoc on relationships.

Second, you should continue to confront your husband on this, but you need to do it in a mature way, not by taking revenge and contacting your old boyfriends. You need to have a conversation with your husband about his actions and then try to set some ground rules with him about social networking and conversing with exes online.

Finally, I think you should also seek the help of a marriage therapist who can guide you through this and provide some helpful communication tools for negotiating with each other and setting rules for networking. Your marriage doesn't have to end over this.

Let me know if I can help you further.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.