Ms. Vicki: My Wife Ruined My Reputation
Dear Ms. Vicki,
My wife is absolutely crazy, and she has ruined my reputation. I made a huge mistake when I married her.
She has embarrassed me on my job many times. Her behavior when we were living on base was over the top. I was forced to move off post to salvage my career and my reputation.
Basically, Ms. Vicki, my wife is a hood rat who wants to run the streets all day and all night. Cooking, cleaning and taking care of the home are like a foreign language to her.
If I ask my wife what she did all day, she will tell me it is none of my business. I had to file bankruptcy because she ran up a massive amount of debt on my last deployment.
She's a club and bar hopper and a party girl, and she hasn’t grown up since college.
While I was working hard to graduate and get commissioned, she was partying.
I have to admit, I liked her spunk at first. She was exciting and edgy. That’s what drew me to her. When she was in college, she had all of this hype around her and I was drawn to it.
Now, here I am stuck with an out-of-control wife who defies and rebels against everything I say.
Her mother tries to talk to her, but she won’t listen. My mother and my sisters can’t stand her anymore.
I love my wife, but I’m sick of her crazy behavior. I’m a platoon leader, and my soldiers need to respect me, not laugh at me. Her behavior is causing me too much stress.
When I ask her if she wants to stay married, she says "Yes." When I ask her if she willing to change, she says, "Why do I have to change? I’m just having fun."
Ms. Vicki, how can I get her attention to let her know that her behavior and attitude toward our marriage have to change?
Dear Over the Top,
This isn’t a marriage because you are married to a child. Your wife is very immature and doesn’t want to be married. She is showing you this every day with her behavior.
Now here’s the bigger revelation: You were attracted to a hood rat -- the edgy, spunky girl with the campus hype. You had to have her ... why?
Please allow me to be honest with you. You had to have her because you are crazy too. Any man with good sense would never marry her. You did. Now you are crying because you can’t control her?
You have to figure out why you like “crazy and edgy” because here’s the deal: You will divorce her and move on to the next crazy edgy woman, right?
Think of it this way: You were in a room with 1,000 women and 999 of them were happy, healthy and had good sense. They were ready to commit and be a good wife to the right man.
There was one crazy, edgy, lowdown woman in the bunch. Guess what happened? You left with the crazy, edgy lowdown woman. How did that happen?
I see this all the time in my practice. Men come into my office crying about their crazy wife, but they forget the role they play.
I think you have a big problem, and your only recourse is to send your wife a message that you will not tolerate her behavior any longer. I think you should seek legal advice and file for a legal separation.
You may have to pay her spousal support while you weigh your options and decide if you want to continue in this marriage.
I also think you should take your wife’s name off all of your financial information, including your bank accounts. For all you know, she could be using your Social Security number to purchase other items unbeknownst to you.
You can also change the locks on your home so she will not have access to come and go as she pleases. But if her name is on the lease, you can’t restrict her access.
Consider spiritual help and guidance from a chaplain or your pastor, other clergy etc. This will help give you more insight and assurance that you are making the right decisions.
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