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Kissing Cousins?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband and I have been married for five years, and I have been there for him during two of his five deployments.

We had a tough courtship because my parents didn't like him. My father kept saying, "There's something about him that's just not right." My mother said, "He's a devil in a uniform."

Well, you know the old saying "Love is blind?" I ignored everything and continued to move forward, even marrying him against my friends' and family's advice.

I completed my bachelor's in physical therapy so I had a good job and helped him pay off his debt and repair his credit, even though I would find receipts from florists, hotels and places like Victoria's Secret.

I have never met his mother, his siblings or any member of his family. He doesn't give me any unit information and I'm not allowed to go to any family readiness group meetings or unit functions. He feels like he can give me all of the information I should know.

When I have caught him talking or texting another woman, he denies it. Then a woman contacted me and confessed that she was in love with my husband and was pregnant with his child. That was the last straw, and I left for a month until he begged me to give him another chance to be a good husband.

I forgave him and insisted that we get counseling. After two visits with a therapist on post, he said he was cured. Only he wasn't cured.

Last Thursday, a woman showed up at my door smiling and carrying a suitcase. She said she was here to visit us for a while. According to my husband, she's his closest cousin in the world!

How can I say he's lying when I have never met anyone in his family? It's not like I can call his mother or another relative to confirm who she is. All I know is that for the past few nights they have been up all hours laughing, talking and drinking.

This cousin doesn't say one word to me. They go out together and don't invite me. My closest friend on my block said she saw my husband and his cousin too close for comfort and she said that's not his cousin.

So Ms. Vicki, where do I go from here and what should I do? His cousin has taken over my house, and I'm forced to play nice to her just to try and keep my husband happy. Please give me some advice soon. Is this a kissing cousin?

Sincerely,
Wife of Five Years

Dear Wife,

I don't know if that woman is a cousin, but take my word: Your husband is doing more than kissing her.

There were red flags all over this guy before you married him. You don't know his family or friends or anyone in his unit. He's got terrible credit and he wants you to pay his bills. He's cheated on you and impregnated another woman.

I think you married a guy who is a cheater and a playa. It is in his blood. It is in his nature. Only, he's on top because he keeps meeting women like you who allow this behavior.

Therapy can't fix everything, especially when the person is not willing to change.

Now, what should you do about this rodent who came to your house with her suitcase? Trust me, you need some strong pesticide to get rid of her because she has taken over. You are too nice and sweet.

Again, let me be clear. In times like these, you need to have some swagger. In other words, you have to speak up and advocate for yourself.

You should have never let this chick in your house. N ever. Now, you need to pack her stuff and tell her to get out.

Your husband will leave with her because he loves her and not you, and that's OK. You need to get rid of him, too.

Listen, this bothers me because I see this too much. People are truly taking advantage of people. People are more bold! You have to put them in their place. You deserve better and I'm not blaming you, but you have to take some of the responsibility. Let me know what you decide to do.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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