Relationship Topics

Sign up for the Spouse & Family Newsletter

Most Popular Relationships Articles

Is Lesbian Sex Adultery?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I have two questions for you. I am eight months pregnant, and my husband and I are both in the military.

I recently found out by his other baby mama that they kissed and have been spending time with each other while I was on leave. Is that considered adultery?

Also, if a military wife has a husband away for a tour of duty, and she wants to get together with another military wife and try out some lesbian sex, play and experimenting, but both plan to go back to husbands upon their return, do you think it must be kept secret? Or can the community accept it?

What if it's more like a small group of women, instead of the usual couple? Is it possible the husbands might enjoy hearing about it, thinking about it, talking about it?

Connie in Kansas

Connie, Connie, Connie ...

This sounds like it could be a storm brewing. Since you're from Kansas, you understand how a sunny day can turn dark with rain, thunder and lightning, and a tornado soon follows. This is what I see happening in your marriage.

First, you say that you discovered that your husband has been kissing his "baby mama." Now here is where I could make a few women upset. Many men report that they still "get it on" with the mother of their children -- the baby mama.

Yes it's true. It doesn't make it right, because he is married to you and you are pregnant with his child.

In this situation, you have to discover if you married a man who has no intention of being faithful to you and if he stills "carries a flaming torch" for the mother of his other child. This is difficult, because if you married someone that you cannot trust, you will be in for a wild roller coaster ride of lies and deceit.

So to answer your first question: Yes, kissing another woman is cheating.

Now to answer your second question. Who is the military wife who wants to have the lesbian experimentation and sex play? Is that person you? Well, it doesn't matter because that would be adultery too. That wife is also cheating on her husband.

I think you are also asking if men enjoy hearing about women in sexual situations and if it's more accepted by the military community or society.

As you know, people can choose to accept or reject whatever they wish. I know that people experiment with a lot of situations, but it sounds like you may be headed toward impulsive behavior just to experiment.

This is not good either. Your marriage could be at a crossroads or it could be headed for a train wreck. You should stop this from happening.

It's time to figure out if you want your marriage or not. If you do, it will take you and your husband working hard to mend the fractions that already exist instead of making matters worse. Let me know what you decide to do.

Ms. Vicki

Related Topics

Ask Ms. Vicki

Military News App by

Download the new News App for Android on Google Play or for Apple devices on iTunes!


Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.