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Her Soldier Just Can't Be Trusted

Ms. Vicki

Hello, Ms. Vicki.

My boyfriend of six months and I are both 40 years old, and we are both divorced. He is active-duty military in the Army and stationed 1,500 miles away from me.

He broke his leg the week before he was coming to visit me in December and had to have surgery. When he got here, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. I did something that I normally do not do -- look at his phone.

I saw that he had been texting other women where he lives. He actually even told one that he missed her while he was here with me.

I was extremely upset. I told him when he went back never to contact me again. I left him on the couch and got in the shower and cried.

He got on his crutches and came into the bathroom and hugged me while I was standing in the shower and told me he loved me and said that he was sorry for everything. He stood there with his clothes on in the water holding me and would not let me go.

We had a talk after that, and he said he wanted a future with me and that he did not want to be with anyone else. He said he had taken me for granted and thought that I would always be there. He said he wants a future with me. 

He also sent text messages to the women he was talking to (I guess it was all of them), and I saw the message because he wanted me to watch him send it. He told them not to text him anymore because he was in a relationship. I saw him send it.

I don't like that I don't trust him, and he told me he realizes that everything that's happening is his fault and that he is sorry, but that all he can say is it won't happen again. I don't know what to do at this point because I do love him and I believe he loves me because of the way he acted when he came to the bathroom.

I am supposed to go see him for Valentine's Day, but he tells me like always that he never knows what the military will have him doing and that he may not be able to see me. I feel like of course that he might be planning something with someone else.

Ms. Vicki, I don't know what to think now. I trusted this man more than I've ever trusted anyone and he hurt me. So my heart is scared that he is with the girl that he was saying he missed after he had been here for two days.

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be hurt and I'm scared. Can I trust him? What if he is seeing her or still talking to them? Please help.

Sincerely,
Army Girlfriend

Dear Army Girlfriend,

Listen to me: Of course, you can't trust this guy. And there is one sure way to prove it. I think you should go visit him just to check him out.

I'm serious. After all, he is 40 years old. There is no way he is living in the barracks. If he is your boyfriend and loves you so much, fly there and show up at his front door around 8 p.m. or so on a Friday night. I'm sure all of your suspicions will be confirmed.

I think he is a playa with a broken leg and all. You haven't known him a full year yet, and there's already distrust and red flags. If it's happening this early, it means you should let him go.

Think about it: You met him last June and there are already problems? You should still be experiencing bliss at this point. Instead, you are catching him texting other women when he is visiting you. Not a good sign that he is truly that into you.

OK, so you had a sexy scene with him coming in the shower with you while he was fully clothed -- hugging, caressing and stroking you. I admit, it sounds great. Only it's one of those moments that don't last very long. I'm more concerned with the relationship when both of you are dry, not wet.

Listen, I don't think he's all that. I also think you deserve better than he is giving you right nowl. I mean, he's 40 years old, not 19. I think you need to visit him and be sure. Let me know what you decide.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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