Dear Ms. Vicki
I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost five years. He deployed to Europe, where he stayed for three years working on base. We did see each other at least four times a year in person. Every day, we called on the phone to one another. Life was good and we were in love.
This past July, he came home for good. We talked of marriage, and buying a house, a new car, etc. We just purchased new furniture for our home.
Then on Monday, he had a little too much to drink and feel asleep for the night. His cell kept ringing, throughout the evening. Finally, I just answered it.
It was a woman from Europe, living in the city where he was stationed. She asked to speak with him, and I said he was sleeping. Then I asked who she was, and she said, “his girlfriend.” Then she asked who I was, and I of course said the same thing.
She said she had no idea I existed and was so sorry. She sent pictures of them, on trips and outings. I was just mortified. I am in disbelief that this even happened and that he did this to me.
It's all out in the open now. She has since cut him off completely. I want to forgive him because I just can't see throwing all these years away, but he has no remorse. He doesn't seem saddened by how heartbroken I am, and is being mean to me like this is my fault.
When I asked him if he loved her, he said no, that he doesn’t love anyone. He sometimes makes little comments or little digs suggestive toward her, or the affair. I just don’t understand how someone who claimed he loved me so much and told me time and time again how happy I have made him could do this to me/us and our relationship.
I do love him with all my heart, but I don’t want to be stupid about this either. Please offer whatever advice you can.
Friend in Need
Cut your losses and drop that zero -- like right now. Let me restate what you said in your letter to me: You trusted that he was being faithful to you while he was in Europe but all the while he was in a full relationship with another woman. She has sent you pictures to confirm their relationship.
Your boyfriend/fiancé also blames you, he is mean to you and he doesn’t accept any responsibility for his actions. Moreover, he says he doesn’t love anyone. He even “gets in little digs at you regarding the other woman."
Now, you are wondering what you should do? Please leave, run for the hills, cut your losses. Trust me, if he is cheating, lying, not taking responsibility for his actions why should you move forward with a guy like this, let alone say “I do?”
I could go on and on about this. But I will say you deserve so much more. You sound like a very passionate and loving young woman. Don’t waste it on him. Let me know what you decide to do.
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.
Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.
If you’ve ever read best-selling author John Gray’s book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, then you know he believes communication styles between men and women differ significantly and it affects everything from emotional needs, to modes of behavior, to coping mechanisms and stress. He also claims these commonly occurring conflicts between men ... Continue Reading