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He Didn't Leave His Wife for Me

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband had accomplished a lot in his Army career as a senior NCO. But after 15 years of marriage, I guess you could say my passion fire was gone for him.

I was proud of him, but I wasn't happy with him or my marriage. Living with deployments and his long absences left me lonely, and I started building relationships in other places. We started sleeping separately.

We tried counseling several times, but it didn't help. My husband didn't understand why I no longer wanted to be married to him.

Then I met and fell in love with an officer. He was the man of my dreams. He, too, was in the process of a divorce.

I divorced my husband as I had planned to do, but I did so in a hurry because I wanted to be the woman who was waiting for my new man when he divorced his wife.

Then he decided that he wants to try and work things out with his wife for the sake of his children. Keep in mind that his three children are 18 and older and in college! Why would he need to work things out for the sake of his children?

I'm so very hurt and confused. I met his family, and they looked at me as if they approved. Now I wonder if they knew all along he never intended to divorce his wife?

My ex-husband is also dating another woman, and they appear to be very happy. I wonder if he was seeing this woman while he was still married to me?

Now I'm the one who is alone and feeling like I was used by my officer, who is not a gentleman. I need answers, and he refuses to talk to me. I leave him voice mail and text messages, and he won't respond. He is heartless to put me through this pain and agony. What should I do now? 

Sincerely,
Gloria in Texas

Dear Gloria,

Here's the deal: Your officer made a decision to stay and work things out with his wife. It is his choice and his decision. He doesn't owe you any explanation.

He is staying with his wife and what you had with him is over. You should leave him alone. Stop texting and leaving him voice messages. Don't send him a Tweet and don't Facebook him either. He doesn't want to be with you.

Your husband has moved on, too. You said you were not in love with him, and you didn't want to be with him because you had become bored with him and your marriage. Remember, you were sleeping separately before your divorce. As my grandmother used to say, "“One woman's junk is another woman's treasure." Looks like another woman thinks your husband is a real hero -- a treasure.

I'd say it's time for you to move on. Build a network of friends who will listen to you moan and wail at night while you are home alone. Most churches are also offering divorce support groups. You may find this spiritual support useful. Your family could also be supportive to you.

This is difficult, but you will be fine. After all, you did ask for it. Let me know how you are doing from time to time. Hang in there!

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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