He Cheated, She Regrets Telling Command

Ask Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband and I have been married for six years; we have two children together. Before my husband left for a school, everything between the two of us was fine: not perfect, no marriage is. However, while he was away he began an emotional and sexual affair with someone else within his training program.

When he returned home, I checked his phone and discovered a trail of text messages between him and this woman. Through the text messages, I learned that my husband has made up in his mind to leave me and our children.

He confessed what he did before leaving for his next assignment. I told him I wanted to try and work things out and mend our relationship. However, he still planned to leave us. I then contacted his command, which launched an investigation of him and the other soldier.

After a week of being away from me and the kids, I received a call from him hysterically crying and apologizing to me for what he has done. He wanted to come back home and do whatever he had to do to get me back.

I told him about the investigation that I had filed. I could hear the fear come over him. At that point, I knew it was over between us, because his career means everything to him. His response was surprising. He said, "You had to do what you had to do. I deserved it."

Now we are back together and working things out between the two of us. The only thing that lingers and causes a burden is the investigation.

We have waited our whole marriage for this particular promotion. Now, in the midst of this investigation, he is contemplating removing himself from the Active Guard Reserve program just in case the worst happens. I am hoping for the best because the military has treated us well.

Do you have any idea of what might happen, or what he and I should do? 

Determined to Make It

Dear Determined,

I’m glad you are determined to make your marriage work. Honestly, I don’t know what will happen with your husband’s career. I assume you want him to stay in AGR. With that in mind, I hope there is a favorable outcome for you and your children. Just know this is not your fault.

I’m not necessarily blaming anyon e-- not even your husband or the woman he hooked up with. I am saying he acted very impulsively for some sidebar activity that didn’t mean anything to him.

Let’s face it; your husband got caught up. He has to figure out why that happened. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter if he is in AGR, active duty or a civilian; it will happen again. You can’t leave your wife for a week or two and fall head over heels for some chick and say you are going to leave your wife and children for her. That’s unbelievable!

How old is your husband, 15? If he were that young, I would totally understand, but he put his marriage and his career in jeopardy.

Right now, I’m sure you wish you would have never started the investigation, but you can’t beat yourself up about that. 

My thinking is that you need to assess your husband and his motives. If this is going to be his behavior, you really need to look hard at other options. Start thinking about how you can have a Plan B that includes you being able to move forward if you have to.

A wise woman once told me, “Every woman needs her own pair of roller skates.” In other words, you never know when you may have to roll out.

Ms. Vicki

Related Topics

Family and Spouse



Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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