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Getting Revenge on His Wife's Lover

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

When I wrote you last, my wife said she was cheating on me because my post-military job required me to be gone so often.

Now she says she wants a divorce and plans to move on with the other guy. I think this is insane, considering the other guy is married.

I called a lawyer and started the process for divorce. There are parts about this I hate. First, I was told by the law firm that the judge isn't going to care about the fact she cheated on me.

Second, my wife will still get a percentage of my retirement despite the fact she did this.

Third, I found out this guy is in the Army. Believe it or not, my wife and one of her friends told me not to pursue this man or I'll regret it. Actually, I was threatened by my wife not to take action against him.

They also believe this guy is not a bad person. I believe they are all WRONG. I want him to pay!

Yes, my marriage is over. She doesn't want to reconcile. But this man committed adultery, and that can't go unpunished!

If talking to this guy's chain of command about him doesn't cause any damage to my case, then I'm gonna let the UCMJ handle him. I'll suffer a lot of flack behind this. I look at it this way: I'm not gonna kill this guy and I will get some satisfaction out of this.

Sincerely,
Soldier/Mariner

Dear Soldier,

I know you are angry. All of your emotions are normal given the situation.

Point blank, your wife did you dirty and you didn't deserve this. She should have been honest, instead of being deceitful. To find out that she has been having a sexual relationship with another man is shocking to you and incredible.

Yet military divorces are unique. That's why I'm happy you are seeking legal representation.

The people at the law firm are right. I have talked to many spouses who have recently divorced. Some spent thousands on private detectives to prove infidelity against their partner and the judge was not interested.

You may be able to work out an alternate arrangement about your military retirement. In a divorce settlement, I've seen spouses settle for the house instead of retirement, for example.

I also can recognize that you want the other man to pay for what he has done.

This is where I see things a little differently, so please understand. Your relationship and commitment was with your wife and not with the that soldier. Your wife gave him permission and he did not take advantage of her. Your wife was a willing participant and she still is.

It is hard to accept when people leave us and move on. You have every right to have an array of emotions. I just don't think going after this man is worth your time.

My grandmother used to say, "Living a good life is your revenge." I really don't want to see you waste priceless time going after this guy or your wife, for that matter. Now, if this guy is good to your wife and they grow old together, good for her. On the other hand, if he treats her like a dog and dumps her, also good for her. You have nothing to do with this situation.

My advice is that you keep reaching out to people who will let you vent and get these emotions out. You can write to me anytime. I understand. Don't rush into another relationship with anyone because you are very vulnerable right now.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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