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Fiancee Struggles With First Deployment

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm about to become an Army wife, and, honestly, this whole military life is getting to me.

I don't have any friends who truly understand what it's like to be a service member's significant other. It's hard when you have nobody to talk to about the things that happen in your life without having them say, "Well, you signed up for it."

I find it offensive that they feel as if I signed up for this. It feels like they expect me and my SO not to be happy and to find other people.

Both my SO and I are from Virginia Beach. He is stationed at Fort Bliss and is about to leave for a nine-month deployment to Africa.

I don't know why, but I'm angry. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Do you have any advice as to how to handle deployment?

I also will be moving to Texas a month before he returns, and I have no idea if the military will pay for the move. I'm kind of the new girl on the block with a million questions, and nobody to answer them.

Sincerely,
The Almost Wife

Dear Almost Wife,

There are military spouses around the world who totally understand your concerns. We also know how it feels to be "different" or to face situations that your closest family or friends won't understand because they have not been in the same situation. I understand how you feel.

There is a lot of information on Military.com that will be very helpful to you as you learn your way around the military. Join the Facebook page for Spousebuzz.com so that you will see all kinds of opinions and advice from spouses at all stages of military life -- including girlfriends, fiancées and significant others. 

Nine months will feel like the longest time that can't pass quickly enough. Just keep busy by using the time for personal and professional growth.

You mentioned that you plan to move to Fort Bliss about a month before he returns. Do you know anyone in El Paso?

I'm concerned that you would move there one month before he returns. Truth is, anything can happen that could delay his return. This would cause you so much frustration and sadness.

Also, you would arrive in El Paso without any support -- no family or friends. Of course, you will make new friends who will become just like your family, but it will be a tough transition and it may be better to wait until your soldier is there, too.

You also asked if the Army will pay to move you (the fiancée/girlfriend). I don't think so because your husband already has the orders that moved him to Fort Bliss and his relocation has already been done.

Even if you get married now, they still won't pay for your move. However, if you are married, you will then be on his orders for any future relocation. To verify this, your fiancé should talk to someone in his administration section. The Army calls it the PAC or S1.

It should be very easy to keep in touch with your soldier across the miles with all of our latest technology. You will go stir crazy without him, but you can make it through.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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