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Christian Woman Naive About Dating Soldier

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm a civilian in Atlanta, but I work for the Army. I need some advice. I'm meeting up with a soldier this weekend from Fort Benning. He's coming to Atlanta to spend the weekend and visit me.

Hopefully, we will have good chemistry, and we can move forward in establishing a beautiful relationship.

I'm a 45-year-old single woman. I have never been married, and I don't have any children. I'm a fully certified human resource professional with an MBA. I'm a Christian woman who is ready to find my Mr. Right, but I'm nervous because I've dated so many losers in the past.

Yes, I've been close to the altar, but something always happens and the relationship ends. Would you let me know if you think I should set some boundaries and some rules with my new guy before he comes?

Like, should I invite him to my home? Should I cook meals for him or should we eat out for every meal while he's here?

As you can see, I'm having extreme anxiety about all of this. I haven't been in a committed relationship for three years. Over the phone, we are a good match, but I'm nervous about meeting him in person.

I read Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I think he's right when he talks about the 90-day plan. Women shouldn't give a man the "cookies" when he hasn't paid any benefits (a ring, a wedding and I do).

Sincerely,
Not Giving the Cookies

Dear Cookies,

To clarify your situation, I wrote you back and asked for more details. You said Mr. Fort Benning is a senior NCO. He's been divorced for five years and has two children who are the apple of his eye.

Let me get to my point really quickly. I think you are naïve. Here's where my big mouth will get me in trouble: Many Christian women are naïve.

Well, let me be more honest. I think we Christian women have a hard time discussing sex and intimacy in our culture. It's been this way for many years. You mention sex, and people leave the room like a million bees are swarming around them.

You are 45 years old and wondering if you should invite him to your place or cook for him? Are you really serious? Why do you think he's driving 100 miles from Fort Benning to come to Atlanta to visit you?

Lady, he's coming to the DeKalb County fair and you are the ride!! You are the merry-go-round, the ferris wheel and the tilt-a-whirl. So if you are not ready for a sexual relationship, he should not visit.

Maybe this is too much, too fast. You should meet him half the distance for coffee or a quick lunch, and keep it moving.

After all, if you can't stomach the guy over a cup of coffee, then you have your answer. Why go to all of this trouble of wondering how to entertain a soldier who is coming to visit you for the weekend? Do you get my point?

This is what I know: A lot of Christian people are having a lot of sex and they are not married. The church is full of them. Now again, I know I'm going to get some hate mail for this, but it's the truth.

You mentioned Steve Harvey's 90-day plan. Really, are you serious? What you should read is "Act Like a Lady but Think Like Ms. Vicki" and here's why. Trust me, I'm giving you real experience, raw data from high heels and boots on the ground.

You have to realize that you are a 45-year-old and you are competing with all those 22-year-olds. It's the reason 40- and 50-plus-year-old men date much younger women. Because younger women "go with that." They don't think about rules and boundaries; they take every opportunity.

When a man calls a twentysomething and says "Hey Sarah, I have tickets to a Broadway musical in New York City this weekend. Would you like to come?" Sarah will say, "Absolutely, give me a second to pack my bag."

That same invitation has a fortysomething woman panicked with anxiety and wondering how she is going to handle all of the attention over the weekend. She wants rules, stipulations and boundaries. Honestly, you may need to loosen up a bit.  

Now, in my opinion I don't think you are ready for all of that. I don't think he should come and spend the entire weekend visiting with you. Meet him for a cup of coffee first. There's a lot more I could tell you about this dating game that's out there, but I will stop here.

I don't mean to be crass, but you wanted me to be honest. Keep in touch when you can.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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