Dear Ms. Vicki,
I’ve been married to my Army husband for about a year and a half. At first, he was stationed in Korea and I lived in New York City. We had the best marriage, we would talk and text every day. We used to tell each other how much we loved and missed each other all day, every day.
Ever since we moved to Fort Sill, everything changed. We barely talk, and we fight a lot. A few weeks ago, I asked him how he felt about us by text. Did he want to fix our marriage or did he want a divorce? He replied that he didn’t know -- with a sad face next to it.
The next day, he sent me this long text about he thinks we went too fast in our relationship. He feels like we got married too quickly. Then he said maybe we should get divorced.
I was shocked. I know we have our issues, but never thought they were that bad. The day after that, he said we should get separated for a little to see what happens. I really didn't know how to respond or act.
He said he didn't want me sad or crying. He said he loves me. I told him I was fine and if that's something he wanted, I would respect it.
Then one day, he came home early and caught me crying. I told him I wasn't crying, I just had something in my eyes. A few days later, he said the things he said to me weren't true. He just wanted to test me and see if I really wanted to be with him.
I don't believe that. I feel like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He just doesn't want to see me hurt or crying. What do you think and how should I go about this? Should I believe him or not? Please help, Ms. Vicki.
Seriously Broken Army Wife
I don’t think you should move too quickly with this issue. From your report, you and your husband are recently married and just started living together, right? You lived in New York and he was in Korea.
Listen, a long distance relationship is very different than living together. Living together requires a lot of negotiating and compromise.
Yes, before you were married and living separately, the relationship was very cute and giddy. You were texting, communicating on other social network sites, talking on the phone, Oovoo, Skype, etc. It was fun! Right?
Now guess what, you are in Fort Sill, Okla., arguing about any little thing and trying to make a marriage work. I think you and your husband should act very maturely to solve your problems.
I’m not sure what the problem really is, but I am guessing that “the new” has worn off. I hate to compare marriage to buying a new car, but the excitement wears off the same way.
When you bring the car home and you realize the investment you’ve made, the cost, the upkeep, the maintenance and the insurance, sometimes we wish we had waited. This is what I hear from your husband.
I don’t think it’s time to get a divorce I think it’s time for you both to talk to each other. Stop arguing and talk. Let me know if this helps.
|Family and Spouse Ask Ms. Vicki|
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.
Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.
If you’ve ever read best-selling author John Gray’s book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, then you know he believes communication styles between men and women differ significantly and it affects everything from emotional needs, to modes of behavior, to coping mechanisms and stress. He also claims these commonly occurring conflicts between men ... Continue Reading