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Vicki: Is She the Main Squeeze or the Side Chick?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm writing to you about my marital situation. My husband and I have been together for nine years and we were married in the church a little over a year ago. He recently confessed to me that he had an affair with a girl from his work. I don't know if the other woman knows my husband is married because I honestly don't know what he has told her. She is 20 years younger than him and she has a 3-year-old daughter. He is 41 years old.

I feel like this other woman came into our marriage and is now destroying my happiness and dreams. I want to save my marriage and work things out with my husband. I also want to become a mom and for us to have a baby like other married couples. I know my husband screwed up, but I forgive him.

Another issue is that we have lived apart for the past year because of his military assignment. I even told him I was willing to leave my job and move up to the base. He's asked me to give him time. I don't understand why it is taking him so long to end his affair. He says he loves us both, which I don't understand. I've told him that he is infatuated with her because she is younger and has given him sex.

I haven't confronted her, but I want to because I want her to know that he is still my husband and I am his wife and I am willing to fight for our marriage. What should I do? Should I go up there to visit my husband and confront this other woman even though doing so would upset my husband? Please help.

-- Devastated Wife

Dear Devastated,

Of course he doesn’t want you to move there with him! This would mess up his groove thang that he has going on right now. Who cares if he’s mad that you have a conversation with “the side chick?” You can talk to her and confront her if you want to — but let me give you a gut check: You need to be ready for whatever his side chick tells you. She may tell you that you’re the side chick and she’s the main squeeze. Yes, you have the marriage papers, but she has your husband at her beck and call. She’s calling the shots because you and your husband basically don’t have a marriage right now, and she knows it.

I think you should revisit your living arrangements. Honestly, for many couples, time, distance and opportunity spells trouble. Some people cannot stay faithful with those circumstances. Yes, some people will cheat when you are sitting right next to them and some people will never cheat, no matter the circumstances. However, long distance and long absences cause a lot of vulnerability.

Now, I’m not trying to gas you up, but you should absolutely take a trip up there to be with your husband, just be ready for what you may find. My suspicion tells me he is probably shacked up in a love nest with this 20-year-old. And, honestly, your husband is surely sprung on his young side chick: it happens. I’m very sorry to hear this. Reach out to family and friends for support and let me know what happens.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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