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Vicki: Her Husband is Spreading Rumors About Her

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

How can I stop my husband from spreading messages about me to everyone in his unit, even to his commander?

It's not fair that I'm in Germany all alone and without anyone, no friends or anything, because he has turned everyone against me.

He tells people that I trapped him by getting pregnant and that my parents forced him to marry me, and that's the reason he joined the Army.

He told his commander that all I do is shop at malls in Frankfurt with his money but, Ms. Vicki, please tell me, what money? He's at the low end of the totem pole, and he doesn't make any money.

His commander had the nerve to confront me and started asking me a bunch of questions, acting like everything is my fault. Well, I told him a thing or two, gave him a piece of my mind! And yes, I had a few choice words for him!

Then his fool commander had the nerve to call my husband on the carpet about it when my husband is the one who started it by accusing me of all those things.

Now, of course, my husband is even madder at me and the other wives on base are calling me a gold digger! When my husband came home today, he said he was going to do an ERD [Early Return of Dependents] for me and our baby.

Can he do that? Can he get us kicked out of Germany for no reason?

-- Gossip Victim

Dear Gossip Victim,

Girl -- Lord help me! This sounds like a big high school mess!

Why do I feel like I am missing something with this story? It's like you went to Germany, and all hell broke loose while you were shopping in the mall in Frankfurt!

I feel like I'm missing some details somewhere in between the commander said something to you that made you angry and now they are sending you and your child back to the States.

To answer your question, yes, your husband and his commander can initiate an Early Return of Dependents. I'm guessing you are command sponsored in Germany, and something has gone terribly wrong.

I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I think you are a very young couple who could be away from home for the first time without family support. This can be difficult. I know what moving overseas without close family and friends is like. It can be very stressful.

Instead of alleviating the stress and putting a game plan or a wellness plan in action -- which is what we should do -- sometimes we do just the opposite.

We get moody and cranky, and we find substitutes for happiness, like spending more money than we have. Then the arguments and shouting start.

This is what I think happened with you and your husband: Instead of the two of you coming together as two adults to handle your problems, everyone on base and in your husband's unit got involved.

I think you and your husband should sit down like two married adults and talk to each other, instead of talking at each other and talking to other people.

Get everyone else out of your marriage. Tell him you want to work on the marriage, and you can't do that long distance. I have a feeling that if you leave Germany, your marriage will be over.

Lastly, you and your husband should talk to his commander. Hopefully, he or she is willing to rescind the ERD paperwork. If not, then you should visit with legal on base and try to get something in writing regarding spousal support and child support.

If you leave without it, it might be very hard to get your husband to provide support, and you don't need that frustration. Let me know what happens.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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