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Embarrassed to Be in Another Bad Marriage

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

Let me start by explaining that this is my second marriage. My first marriage was also to a servicemember. It lasted almost eight years -- during most of which he lied and cheated on me.

When I met my current husband, I refused to even date him simply because he was a soldier. He swore to me that he wouldn’t ever do anything like my ex did and I believed him.

Right before we got married, I found a message on his phone to another girl in which he told her he wanted her. When I asked why he’d sent it, he said he wasn’t thinking and didn’t want to lose me. He swore it would never happen again.

We’ve been married for just over four months now. I had a feeling that something was going on that shouldn’t be, so I asked to see his phone. There were more messages to girls, and accounts on dating and adult websites.

 When I finished reading it all and asked him why, he said he just wanted to make friends. But last time I checked, that doesn’t involve asking a female to send nude pictures or telling them things you want to do in detail.

He swears he still doesn’t want to lose me and my kids, but I just don’t know anymore. I won’t live in a marriage where I don’t trust my spouse. Any advice would be appreciated.

Lonely in OK

Dear Oklahoma,

I’m very sorry to hear about this. Honestly, I hope you your first thought is for your children. I’m wondering how happy they would be growing up knowing their stepfather is unfaithful to their mother.

Well, I guess they would feel the same way had you stayed with their unfaithful father -- confused, angry, sad etc.

Oklahoma, this is very serious. I’m worried because your current husband not only lied about his character, but he has started this marriage very early being a cheater and deceiving you. He is scary, in my opinion.

I know you are saying, “Ms. Vicki, you hear about his all of the time.” Well, I do. But your husband has crossed a line in a very blatant way. I mean, texting, possibly sexting, dating websites, etc.

Oklahoma, you really deserve better. What happens to women like you who are on their second or third marriage is that they tend to suffer in silence because they are embarrassed to let their friends and family know they are in another bad relationship.

This is bad, and I don’t see him stopping this behavior anytime soon. He was much too comfortable.

So why don’t I tell you to just leave? I won’t because it’s your choice. I think this guy will make you and your children lose respect for him. Maybe counseling will help. I’m not sure because I don’t see him taking any responsibility for his actions.

If you stay with him, you will always have to look over your shoulder because of his actions. Don’t be embarrassed about this and isolate from your family and friends. You will need them. Let me know what you decide to do.

Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.