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Do I Have to Move In With His Mother?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am a young stay-at-home mom, recently married to my first love. He's stationed at Fort Campbell. We have a one-year-old daughter, and we are currently expecting baby girl number two this November.

Unfortunately for us, my husband is preparing to deploy. He wants me to pack up and move in with his mother during his deployment.

That would be fine if there were space for me and two babies. So I am against it. I don't want to move out of my home into someone else's when I don't have to. I know it will be tough, but that's why I am asking for help.

Are there any resources on post that help mothers while their husbands are deployed? I am new to this area, and I haven't met any new people.

Also, I am willing to seek employment, but I was wondering if there's much of a discount for on-post child care to civilians? Please help me. I am trying to come up with a plan, so that my husband with be more comfortable with me here while he's away. 

Sincerely,
Stay-at-Home Mom

Dear SAHM,

This must be a stressful time as you are preparing for deployment, especially since your husband would like you to leave Fort Campbell and move to D.C.

Coping with the stress of deployment with a one-year-old and a new infant in a small home with other adults in a different location will add to the stress. If you don’t want to be there, that will only make it worse.

Many young military couples agree that the spouse should move home with relatives during deployment, thinking they will be able to save money.

Only I hear from them later. Most report it was a disaster. It turns out badly mainly because of what you said earlier -- that you will be leaving your home to go and live in someone else’s home. You have to make sure this is the best situation for you and your children.

Now here’s the deal: You will be on your own at Fort Campbell with your two children. You will also probably make some military friends by then. You can find other resources like play dates with your children at the library or volunteering on base at agencies that pay for childcare in exchange for volunteering.

My first suggestion would be for you to have a discussion with your husband and let him know that you would rather stay at Fort Campbell during his deployment. Openly discuss his concerns and any fears that he has leaving you at Campbell during the deployment.  

Then visit Army Community Service (ACS) on base because they will have a plethora of information and resources for you.

You have to know that you will be doing what every military spouse across the globe is doing. We learn how to build a network of support and survive stressful situations.

I think you will be OK. I have survived deployments and long separations due to military trainings and schools with three children in a new place far away from family and friends.

I’m not saying that every day will be rosy, but you can make it through this. Keep in touch with me and let me know what you decide to do. 

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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