Dear Ms. Vicki,
I saw your articles online and decided to write for some advice. I will try to keep this letter simple. It is a complicated situation and I do not know what to do.
In October of 2010, my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago contacted me. He told me that he'd been thinking about me all these years and was still in love with me, after 20 years of not seeing me. I was taken aback and surprised that he even thought about me, for I had not seen him in 20 years. We are BOTH 40 years old. As time went on, he kept writing me, and we sent pictures and talked on the phone whenever we could. He told me that he used to be married but was separated legally, but he also said he was receiving a hard time from his "soon to be ex-wife of 19 years." I fell for him after he explained his intentions. He told me that he wanted to marry me and be with me.
The coincidence in all of this was I lived in a little town in Oklahoma where he owned a house. He told me he had been renting the house out for 10 years while he was deployed in Germany. I couldn't believe it. He kept telling me he was going to retire. And after a year of talking to him he actually ended up doing that. I was happy for the first time in three years because I thought it was my prince on a white horse riding up to love me. I was pretty much in a fantasy world. Anyway, many things occurred, we went through a series of problems over other women he dated, who'd written me and told me that he was a typical "player" and was never going to officially leave his wife. I was upset and asked him, and he told me that those women were jealous of our relationship and only trying to break us up. I foolishly thought what he was saying was plausible. So very naively I trusted HIM over those women who'd had extramarital affairs.
Well anyway, in August of 2011, He called me and told me that he was finally leaving Germany and moving to Oklahoma and wanted to be with me. I asked him about his wife and he swore up and down that he was separated and only loved me and wanted to marry me. He said that his wife and he hadn't lived together in about two years, and as soon as he got back to the States he would finalize the divorce. We actually started planning the wedding and talked about having a baby, etc. He told me that SHE left him and that she was living in Georgia so that he was free to move to his house in Oklahoma, I believed him and when he asked me to move in with him, I did. I have a daughter so I asked a lot of questions about it. But he reassured me that we were going to be together forever and just needed to make things official by living together and starting our lives together. When I moved in he called me beautiful, he told me he loved me, poured affection on me and spent quality time with my daughter. He said he wanted us as a "family" to move to Texas so I was up for it and happy.
Not more than 4 weeks later he asked me to move OUT!! He began verbally abusing me, calling me stupid, ugly, and worthless, and I was completely shocked and very hurt. He said I was "using him for a free ride" and nonsense like that. Anyone that knows me knows that I work and raised my child single-handedly, etc. He has four kids and an ex-wife, on his retirement salary, I was not looking for someone wealthy, obviously -- I explained this to him and I felt he had a lot of nerve to imply the things he implied. So before I was thrown out I snuck into his business online and found out that his wife was pregnant and didn't know where he was, she wanted to know "WHEN he was coming to get her so they could move into their house in Oklahoma." I was devastated that he lied to me like that. She must have recently found out she was pregnant, I thought. But anyway, it sort of explained his behavior towards me.
Meanwhile I did move out, he actually had the police kick me out which was devastating in itself. I did not understand what I did wrong, he just kept twisting the truth saying that he never asked me to live with him, he said I was crazy to think that I was his girlfriend, and that he wanted me to go and that he was only giving me a place to stay. I was devastated and confused, I've never had anyone treated me like that. I gave up my life for him, uprooted my daughter and left my place for him and he treated me like some homeless person off the street trying to break up his marriage? I couldn't believe it! I had never in my life been with a married man and would never do that. I thought truthfully he was separated.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I ended up pregnant by him, I told him, and he asked me for a DNA test to prove to him. Now mind you, he told me at one time his wife tricked him into marrying her by saying she was pregnant by him he also told me that he never believed his eldest was his son because they didn't look alike...Anyway, he is pulling the same nonsense on me and I am due pretty soon. I'm going to file for child support and wanted to know if I can do that? And what I am entitled to? I wanted to know if I was entitled to some of his retirement pay and if he is getting disability, then am I entitled to that too? What exactly is my son entitled to? He makes about $3,400 a month, so I wonder what my child is entitled too. Right now I'm high-risk pregnancy and on bed rest until I deliver, I won't be working for about six months after the baby is born so I'm taking a break from working. All know is I'm devastated and depressed most of the time because he just abandoned me like that. I'm hurt and don't know what to do. Can you help me? I have his social security number and was going to call up a JAG office to help. Thank you so much, your help is greatly appreciated.
I am very sorry to hear about this. To think that this guy contacted you after 20 years only to be a cold-blooded liar! Jeesh, he could have kept on moving and never contacted you. Well, I'm not sad about your pregnancy, but I am sad that this guy will be in your life (for the sake of your son you have together. Keep in mind, you will definitely be a single parent because honestly I don't expect him to step up and be a loving father to your son. He seems to be a very self-absorbed person who only thinks about "me." It will be interesting to know what his wife will say about all of this and what will happens when she learns he is having a baby with another woman. Well, to answer your question, you won't be entitled to his retirement or his disability. I'm not sure if your son is either, but I do know that he is entitled to child support. The courts will decide what child support he should pay based upon his income. I can't say definitively if your son will receive a certain portion of his disability or his retirement -- only that once paternity is established he will pay child support. You can contact JAG if you wish, but I also think you should get outside legal advice too. Inquire with your state office about child support enforcement so that you can get information before the birth of your son. I'm really glad you got out of this relationship. You truly deserve better. Stay in touch when you can.
Dear Ms. Vicki,
I was wondering how long it usually takes to hear back from travel about passports. My husband just received orders for overseas. We filled out all our paperwork over a week ago and he is due to go on leave Monday. His orders so far only say him but we are trying to get command sponsorship so we can go too. He hasn't been back with us from his deployment with his current unit even a year yet. Any help would be wonderful!
I know this may be causing some anxiety for you. I know you want to PCS with your husband, being together is very important. It shouldn't take a very long to receive passports. However, I filed for my own passport and paid extra to have it expedited in less than two weeks. You should be able to check on your passport status. Don't be afraid to check with travel because it will give you time to correct any issues to your application if necessary. I wish you all the best. Thank you for reading the column and for taking the time to write to me.
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.
Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.
After eight deployments, 16 moves, 26 years of marriage, and a job that puts me in touch with hundreds of thousands of Navy wives (and husbands), I’ve learned to recognize a Navy Wife with a happy life from a mile away. None of them are exactly alike. Some have kids. Some don’t. Some throw their ... Continue Reading