Sign up for the Spouse & Family Newsletter

Related Spouse Articles

Most Popular Spouse Articles

Military Life 101

  • job fair
    Military Spouse Employment 101
    While the military will always throw a monkey wrench in any best-laid plans, your career doesn't have to be one of them.
  • (Photo: U.S. Department of Education)
    Military Spouse Education Help 101
    Good news for you: Being a military spouse can actually make some parts of going back to school easier.
  • (Photo: U.S. Navy)
    Military Life 101
    Military life has a lot of nuts and bolts. You know, the little things that make up just an ordinary day.
  • stack of one dollar bills
    Military Spouse and Family Benefits 101
    Don't know exactly how to get your military spouse and family benefits or want to know more about what they are? Read on.
  • Movers at Scott Air Force Base, Illinois, load up a truck with household goods. Jose Ramirez/Air Force
    Military Spouse and Family Moves 101
    Whether you're an old pro or new to the military moving game, there's stuff to learn about PCSing. Here's our easy PCS 101 guide.
  • (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps/Lance Cpl. Sullivan Laramie)
    Military Family Deployment 101
    Preparing for deployment can seem like an uphill battle. But we've been there. Here's what you need to know.
  • Military family
    Military Family Life 101
    Military life is not easy, but we've got your back. From marriage to kids and parenting, we have the resources you need.

Trapped in a Crack

I like to watch football trapped in a crack. This is more comfy than it sounds. I like to wrap up in a quilt, prop my head on Brad’s lap, and scoot back as far as I can in the crack between couch cushions while the announcers drone on and on and I tumble into blissful asleep. 

Until those guys on the OT start talking about military families. I woke to one of them saying, “Unfortunately our troops come back to their own battle--the battle to return to their lives at home.”
All the sudden, I had an image of Brad crouched in the weeds outside our house, helicopters circling our roof, barbed wire wrapped around the porch swing and “Go away Brad!” signs hung at every window. 
My eyes popped wide open--because I think we Americans have just backed ourselves into a crack here, a comfortable crack, but a crack just the same. On one hand, we have learned the lessons of Vietnam. We Americans know we have a responsibility to the troops who serve for us. We know that veterans who return with symptoms of PTSD need to be able to seek and find good psychological care. No barriers. No shame. No surprise that PTSD symptoms are often the very normal result of their battle experiences.  Got it. 
On the other hand, in our eagerness to do the right thing by battle-scarred troops, we have convinced ourselves that every military member who deploys anywhere returns home to battle very serious problems. That simply isn’t true.   Although most military couples have a bit of an adjustment period following deployment, it isn’t much of a “battle.” Last month I had one Army wife describe their post-deployment adjustment period as taking “a couple of minutes.”
That is because there is a huge difference between deployment and combat.  I don’t think the people on TV really know that anymore. While nearly everyone in combat deploys, not everyone who deploys experiences combat. Not everyone who experiences combat experiences the kind of combat that can spark the symptoms of PTSD--like being injured or having a friend who was seriously wounded or killed, or seeing enemy combatants woundd or killed. In a 2008 RAND study, the single best predictor of PTSD and depression was exposure to combat trauma while deployed.
It is tempting to climb back into the crack and make the assumption that only soldiers or Marines experience combat so they are the only ones who battle. But that is too easy. Combat experiences also happen to sailors who are assigned as individual augmentees. Medical personnel who treat the results of war daily. Commanders who send flight crews out on a mission and then never see them come home. We can’t look at a uniform and know what someone has or has not been through. And they aren’t prone to spouting such personal information.
So what do we do with this information? How are we civilians supposed to understand the differences between combat and deployment without blundering around asking service members if they shot anyone? (Which would be really, really dumb.) I think what I am asking is for all of us to stand up and get out of that comfortable crack of believing just one thing about life in the military. Assuming that every service member is in some way damaged by his or her service is wrong. It is equally wrong to think that we can send military members to war and have them come home completely unchanged. Living with those two truths is uncomfortable. But it is a discomfort we can surely stand.

Military News App by

Download the new News App for Android on Google Play or for Apple devices on iTunes!


Jacey Eckhart is the former Director of Spouse and Family Programs at and a military sociologist.  Since 1996, Eckhart’s take on military families has been featured in her syndicated column, her book The Homefront Club, and her award winning CDs These Boots and I Married a Spartan??

Most recently she has been featured as a military family subject matter expert on NBC Dateline, CBS morning news, CNN, NPR and the New York Times.  Eckhart is an Air Force brat, a Navy wife and an Army mom.  

Featured VA Loan Articles