Dear Gene-Thomas,

My sister married a soldier and their marriage lasted only three years.  I’ve been seeing a sailor who wants to get married, but I don’t want to end up like my sister…. Erin

Dear Erin,

When I was medevaced during the first Gulf War to the Army Hospital in Landstuhl, Germany, a doctor asked me questions about my symptoms, examined the results of tests that were taken on board USS COMFORT (AH-6), and offered a correct diagnosis of my condition that was later confirmed at the Bethesda Naval Hospital.  If doctors today can more accurately diagnose certain medical problems, so too can dating couples today be helped in appraising their chances of experiencing a happy and life-long marriage.

Just as doctors would never even think of operating on a patient without requiring certain diagnostic tests (e.g., X-Rays, CT-Scan, blood work), many chaplains and ministers today will only conduct weddings after couples have completed a pre-marital inventory.  Inventories for military couples such as Marriage and Military Life, as well as civilian questionnaires like FOCCUS or Prepare, while not 100% accurate in predicting marital success and happiness, do have a very high success rates in identifying certain “symptoms” that, if ignored or untreated, could lead in time to the dissolution of the relationship.

Can a dating or engaged couple come to have a happy and life-long marriage without completing a pre-marital inventory? Yes, just like some people can live to be 75 without ever having had an X-Ray or CT-Scan.  However, if life expectancy rose in the United States from 47 years of age in 1900 to 77.7 today, it is due in part to medical advances that have helped diagnose and treat many life-threatening medical conditions.  Hence, if people can benefit from advances in diagnostic medical procedures, why should they not also utilize new and effective diagnostic relationship tools?

While many couples, including a number of movie stars, may be hesitant to marry today for fear that their marriage may end in divorce, that hesitancy can be resolved one way or another with the help of an inventory that, in some cases, may also be enhanced with professional counseling.  Couples who may be concerned about confidentiality and are hesitant to complete inventories administered and graded by professionals may wish to avail themselves to self-grading instruments that can be ordered online without professional or costly interface.  The cost of such tools is far less than the expense, not to mention the pain and suffering, that can result from a divorce.

Lest some readers be discouraged and be misled to believe that one’s chances of experiencing a life-long and happy marriage in the military is next to impossible, think of people like the Creiders who recently celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.  Married in a tiny Navy chapel in the Panama Canal Zone on February 28, 1941 when Spence was 24 and Madeleine was 22, they raised two sons in the course of a 30 year carrier, one of whom today is the Command Chaplain at Naval Base Ventura County.   If you are fortunate to be assigned to that Aviation and Seabee base, you’ll be pleased to know that both the chaplains and the counselors there, like others at so many other commands, would be happy to provide you with a self-grading Marriage and Military Life inventory that can enhance your chances of one day being able to celebrate 50, 60, or even 65 years of happy married life.

Gene-Thomas Gomulka
“A voice for military families” Columnist and author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military available at www.plaintec.net

Have a question or comment? Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net