Dear Gene-Thomas,

I heard about the Army’s "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk" program and, with a limited budget, I want to order marriage materials that will really make a difference in the lives of our personnel and their loved ones…E. H., FFSC Counselor

Dear E. H.,

Everyone knows that marriage in the armed services is extremely challenging as reflected in high military divorce rates. What most people don’t know, however, is how effective are certain programs designed to help dating, engaged and married military personnel?

When looking for a program or publication that can prove effective in evaluating and strengthening relationships, it’s important to recognize that civilian programs often do not address the unique circumstances of military life that contribute to high divorce rates. Consequently, the first question that has to be asked is: "Does the program examine issues that contribute to high military divorce rates?" 

Military family support counselors and chaplains agree that financial problems and long-term multiple separations are two major reasons for high military divorce rates. Hence, if the program or book does not include topics such as deployments, budgeting and financial planning, then one might question how effective the program will be in addressing problems faced by most military couples.

The second question that needs to be asked is: "Does the program allow honest input and discussion on the part of both partners?" Some "compatibility tests" ask a man or a woman what he or she is looking for in a relationship, but they don’t require the respective partners to explain to each other the reasons behind their particular responses. Certain differences on the part of the partners can actually help strengthen and solidify a relationship. Hence, if one partner liked to cook and the other person could not even boil water, this difference should not be misinterpreted as a sign of "incompatibility." Unfortunately, some compatibility tests set certain couples up for failure by failing to recognize how certain differences can actually prove to be complementary and, hence, very positive in regard to their relationship.

The third question that has to be asked in evaluating a military marriage preparation or enrichment program is: "Are the inventories used self-grading or are they graded by third parties?" One of the reasons that marriage programs sponsored by chaplains and family support counselors are often poorly attended is because military personnel are far more concerned about confidentiality than most civilians. If a serviceman’s spouse  participates in a program and admits in a questionnaire graded by someone else that her husband sometimes has problems in resolving differences without losing his temper, might she unknowingly risk having her husband lose his security clearance or jeopardize his career by requiring him to meet with a family advocacy counselor? Self-grading inventories (e.g., "Marriage and Military Life") that guarantee confidentiality are also more effective in so far as people are generally more honest in their responses if they know no one but their partner will ever see how they answered certain controversial or sensitive questions (e.g., in regard to infidelity, sexual satisfaction, etc.).

Most military counselors and chaplains have limited budgets and cannot afford to invest in programs, books and pamphlets that end up sitting on their bookshelves or in storage cabinets instead of in the hands of the military couples whose marriages are often at risk. Just as one should "avoid marrying a jerk," military professionals should also avoid investing in ineffective programs and materials that fail to address the real reasons why the U.S. Army alone had over 10,000 divorces in one year.

If I want to take my wife out for dinner on our anniversary, rather than reading commercial advertisements, I will read reviews written by people who have actually eaten at certain restaurants recently. Likewise, before investing in a marriage program or book, read "book reviews" or "customer feedback" from people who have actually participated in a particular program or used a certain book or inventory to their great satisfaction.   

Gene-Thomas Gomulka
“A voice for military families”Columnist and author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military available at www.plaintec.net

Have a question or comment? Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net