Children and Divorce: "Casualties of War"

Dear Gene-Thomas,

My son got married...and he is now going through a painful divorce following his return from Iraq.  While I’m sad for him and his wife, I’m even more sad for my granddaughter...

Grandma
 
Dear Grandma,
 
Almost every day we learn about the number of American military personnel who are being killed or wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan. While the media has documented how military divorce rates have risen significantly since combat operations increased following 9/11, little has been said about how children from divorced military homes are also in a sense "casualties of war."
 
Unfortunately, there are thousands of children like your granddaughter who may grow up without being surrounded by the love of both a father and a mother. What are some of the possible effects of divorce upon children?
 
· Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse and have higher rates of suicide.
 
· Children from families in which their parents divorced during their teenage years are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse than adolescents from families in which their parents remained married.
 
· Children who have experienced the divorce of their parents often score worse on measures of self-esteem and psychological adjustment. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems than do children living with intact families or even children living with single mothers who have never been married.
 
· Children from disrupted families are also more likely to repeat a grade or drop out of high school than those from intact families. Those who do graduate from high school are less likely to go on to college. This lack of educational achievement may predispose them to long term underemployment and even unemployment.
 
· Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income drop as much as 50 percent. Almost half of the parents with children that are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce. 
 
Numerous studies have been undertaken that show how children react to divorce differently according to age. Many of these studies are readily available on the Internet where divorcing parents can learn how children of different age levels – infants, toddlers, preschoolers, elementary school children and above might react to their divorce.
 
While a divorce can be a relief for children in some families, particularly if abuse was involved, children will react in different ways.  Their reactions will depend upon such factors as: the quality of their relationship with their parents; the past and present relationship between their parents; the age and gender of the children; how their parents helped the children handle the situation; and remarriage.
 
Children perceive post-divorce conflict as continued divisiveness, thus extending the divorce trauma. Parents should avoid saying inappropriate things to their children about their ex-spouse or attempt revenge by finding ways to spoil visitations that can only further traumatize their children.
 
In response to an article in which a psychologist attempted to downplay the negative effects of divorce upon children, one letter writer wrote, "Divorce is like death…it’s a tremendous loss to a kid. To think or to try to prove otherwise is delusional. I speak from experience."
 
We often hear military leaders say that their people are their most important assets. If this is more than just a catchy slogan, then leaders need to take proactive steps to protect their personnel, along with their spouses and children, from the multiple consequences of divorce. Unless the services begin providing effective relationship training for dating, engaged and married personnel, there will continue to be numerous grandparents who will be deprived of helping to shape their grandchildren’s lives.
 
Gene-Thomas Gomulka “A voice for military families”
Columnist and author of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military available at www.plaintec.net

Have a question or comment? Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net