A retired military wife recently wrote to me rejoicing that military wives are now “allowed” to write and speak so broadly about their lives. She reminded me that if you wanted to read about military life back in her day, you were lucky to get “Service Etiquette.”  The thin red line used to be accompanied by a stiff upper lip.

Not any more. Every week a new book or column or article about military life crosses my desk. Why?  The war, of course, is the no-duh answer.  But Kristin Henderson, a journalist for The Washington Post Magazine and a Marine chaplain’s wife, thinks this new and intense interest is the symbol of something else. 

“In previous wars, the homefront included everybody,” said Henderson.   “Everyone’s husband or father or brother or son was in the war so it wasn’t news. Now the all-volunteer force means that less than 1 percent of the population serves in the military.  And not all of those deploy.”
 
The homefront experience that was once as common as homemade bread is now uncommon — even among military people. Sure, we know the basics. The soldier leaves home and the spouse works, cooks, cleans, drives and comforts the crying children. That ain’t “Jarhead.”  That’s not quite a role Demi Moore would jump to play. So why tell it? Why is it worthwhile to let all those wife-units whine, whine, whine?

Because it isn’t whining. The act of writing about our lives, or telling it to someone else who can and will, gives us power over it. Salman Rushdie said, “Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts.”

And we need a lot of new thoughts about military life. Even in the past 10 years, the demands of this life have changed considerably. It isn’t just the number of wives who work. Or how much harder it is to move. Those things were in play before the war. 

The war has just made everything more urgent. The war sends a sluice of uncontrollable fear over a segment of our spouses whose husbands or wives are actually in danger.  But that fear splashes the rest of us, too.  It shapes our thinking.  Is this military life worth the risks?  What makes it better? Why does it have to be so hard?

Military wives of the past weren’t allowed to ask these questions.  But the current military culture does allow both questions and answers.  That is an amazing and welcome change.

Kristin Henderson says that our first step is to tell the story.  We don’t need to phone the nearest TV station or chunk out a 400-page manuscript overnight.  “Start by educating the people around you,” said Henderson.  “They’ll ask how you are doing. They’ll ask what they can do.  Tell them.”

We need to learn how to tell the one detail in our everyday conversation.  We need to print out the e-mail we wrote the day we almost got divorced.  We need to write a journal entry about the helicopter that went down. We need to blog about the many things that make military life worthwhile.

Henderson also urges families to join one of the national associations who lobby Congress on behalf of military families like the National Military Family Association, the Military Child Education Coalition, Association of the U.S. Army or The Military Officers Association of America. These professionals tell our stories to the people who make the decisions about our lives. 

The new generation of military families is allowed to tell their stories. We need to look upon this as a good thing, a very good thing, another mark of respect for an all-volunteer force — and all those who truly love them.