Dear Gene-Thomas,

I’ve been e-mailing a Marine I met online who is currently deployed in Afghanistan.  If it works out that we get together following his return, do you have any advice that could help us...

Liz
 
In a recent article that appeared in the Washington Post magazine, Stephanie Booth reported on a nine-month Internet relationship that developed between Melinda Jackson, a 40-year-old divorced mother of two from Santa Clarita, Calif., and Corporal Joel Buchannan, a divorced Army medic deployed in Iraq. The article ended with their reunion at Fort Stewart, Ga., where, according to Ms. Booth,  "four days after their first meeting, Joel and Melinda seem to be adjusting amazingly well."
 
Where Melinda and Joel will be sixth months or a year from now is difficult to say. However, there are things that people can do who meet under these circumstances to help assess their potential for happiness together. With the help of a relationship inventory, Melinda and Joel can learn a number of things about each other that they may not have discovered in the course of their nine-month Internet relationship. While most inventories for dating and engaged couples need to be professionally administered and graded (e.g., Prepare, FOCCUS), there are some specifically designed for people in the military (e.g., Marriage and Military Life) that are self-grading and can be obtained online without meeting with a counselor, chaplain or member of the clergy.
 
Inventories help answer certain questions such as: How well do you really know this person with whom you’ve been communicating? While you may have a number of things in common, what are some of your differences? How strong are you when it comes to communication, conflict resolution and finances? What do you know about his/her family and friends? Does he or she have any bad habits or "baggage" that might be too much for you to live with over the years? Do you both view marriage as a life-long and faithful commitment? Do you both want to have children? These are only but a few questions that people should be able to answer before saying "I do."
 
A woman who was in the process of divorcing her husband said, "We love one another, but that’s not enough." Even though love is a major reason that many people marry (more than financial, sexual or other reasons), it is often difficult to sustain if there are truly "irreconcilable differences" that tear a couple apart. How can a woman continue to love her husband if she strongly wants to have children that he refuses to have? Would it not have been better for her to have discovered this critical difference before walking down the aisle?
 
Whether a person is dating someone via the Internet or a person who lives down the street, it’s important to consider each partner’s strengths and weaknesses before making a commitment. In addition to inventories that are designed to help couples critique their relationships, there are a number of programs and books (e.g., "The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military") that offer advice to military couples that can enhance their chances for life-long and happy marriages.
  
So far,  most Internet relationships will not lead a couple to the altar, you and your boyfriend in Afghanistan need to recognize that communicating over the Internet is only a first step in the relationship process. If six seasons of "Sex in the City" taught one lesson, it’s that dating, mating and relating with people like "Mr. Big" take time. Deployed personnel who are stressed, lonely and separated from family and friends, as well as individuals like yourself who are communicating with them, would be wise to wait at least six months following a deployment before making any commitments.
 
While there are happily married couples that dated for a very short period before getting married, there are a lot more divorced couples that regret having rushed one of the most important decisions of their lives. Divorce rates in the military are already too high. Both military personnel and any civilians they may be dating should take care not to allow the Internet to make these rates any higher.



Have a question or comment? Write Gene-Thomas at letters@plaintec.net