As military personnel continue to return from Iraq and Afghanistan, many find that their marriages are in trouble. Some military couples are wise to seek help before making an appointment with a divorce lawyer. Here is but one of a number of letters in this regard:

Dear Gene-Thomas,

My husband and I went to a chaplain with the hope that he would help us with our marriage following a recent deployment. He suggested that we go away for a romantic weekend together, but he never provided us with any help that addressed our specific problems. We don’t want to divorce like so many of our friends.  What do you suggest? Sandy

Dear Sandy,

Going away for a romantic weekend might help some couples enjoy each other’s company away from their children and other distractions, but, ordinarily, it will not help them resolve certain marital problems that might be threatening their marriage.

Not all chaplains are gifted counselors. Some may be great preachers, and others may be excellent administrators, but some, unfortunately, have limited abilities when it comes to helping married, engaged or dating couples.

If you were to take your car to a garage to be fixed and discovered that the mechanic didn’t seem to know what he was doing, you might ask around if someone could recommend a qualified and honest mechanic in the area. Likewise, you might ask some friends if they know a military chaplain, counselor, or even civilian clergy person in the area that is effective in the area of marriage enrichment. Remember too that Military One Source at 1-800-342-9647 offers five free counseling sessions that are provided by local civilian counselors under contract with Ceridian Corporation.

If you and your husband are going to resolve your particular problems, it is essential that you be honest in sharing exactly what you like and dislike about your relationship. You need to be able to ask each other: "What can I do better to meet your expectations?" You might consider starting with three concrete matters that each of you can work on achieving. If you find that you cannot make certain improvements and meet a partner’s expectations, then you may very well need professional help to improve your relationship. 

Couples with children often recognize how their marital relationship impacts the lives of their children. Even if a couple does not divorce, a problematic marriage relationship still can prove psychologically and emotionally harmful to children.  One of the reasons a retired serviceman ordered a copy of The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military for his married son is because he did not want his grandchildren growing up in a broken home. While some couples will not work on improving their relationship for themselves, they will do it for their children.

The fact that you took time to write and attempted to receive help from a chaplain is indicative that you and your husband not only want a better relationship, but that you are also open to accepting help. The earlier you receive it, the better your chances are of preventing small problems from evolving into big problems. Don’t be discouraged by your initial attempt. In addition to self-help publications like The Survival Guide that have helped thousands of couples like yourselves, there are many trained and qualified chaplains, counselors, and clergy who are only a telephone call or office visit away.