Dear Ms. Vicki,

I have been feeling really down and out. First I have to give a little background. I have a five month-old baby, who I delivered about four months before my husband and I were scheduled to PCS. We figured that it would be less hassle and give our families the opportunity to see our little one if I went a month ahead of my husband to our hometown and then drove the distance with my twin sister to our new base, which is about 6 hours away. Everything on that front went smoothly. The problem started when we got to our new base. At our previous overseas base I was happy, I had a great job (I was the lead floral designer and manager of our base flower shop) I had great friends, had a good support system, period. With the loss of our COLA we were hit kind of hard. I wasn't working anymore because we didn't have daycare. We were living paycheck to paycheck. I needed to get a job. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a position nearly as nice as my previous job. No one wanted to hire me. I couldn't afford off base daycare... there is a LENGTHY (months) wait at the base child development center. I applied everywhere I could. No florist will let you work the night shift. Nights are all I could do! I had to swing it to be home during the day while my husband was at work and have my husband home from work to watch our son while I work.

Finally, like a Godsend I got a call back for a retail position. I was going to make considerable less money but they would take me... Ms Vicki... I hate my job. I hate it. I've never been one to complain about work -- I've soldiered through my fair share of jobs I hate. It is an awful -- awful retail hell. Every time I ask for leave for any reason I get denied... since I started working there I have been denied leave to go to my father's 60th birthday, my nephew's 4th birthday, and Thanksgiving weekend. The job itself makes me miserable... I work ALL the time. As I walk out of the house to go to work my husband is walking in... We say hi to each other. Even getting to work is a trial of stress! My husband gets off work at 4:30 and I have to be at my job by 5. If there is traffic when he is driving home I am late for work and thus have to rush and worry to get there. Then I get off work and I eat dinner and go to bed. No down time. 

Essentially I am run down and in an awful and inescapable situation. I am depressed. I feel like I have no identity anymore. Everything I am is about taking care of my son (which is not a problem, I love him) and working a job I hate. I end up taking all of my stress, frustration and anger out on my husband. I love my husband. He is a good man and tries his best to be there for me and help. The stress I am under is my fault, not his. We are fighting more than we ever have. I don't know what to do.  Do you have any advice?? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Restless retail momma

Dear Retail Momma,

It's not easy working on a job when you are not happy. I can say with confidence that it will get better for you. Moving as a military spouse has its challenges. We move from jobs, family and friends that we love, and the new location can be totally different; friends are few, we are away from family, and the availability of viable employment can be challenging. I applaud you for trying to hang in there because many families, both military and civilian, are finding it difficult to survive on one income. Having said that, you've got to make a plan to get the heck off that job! Your emotional health comes first, so if it's causing depression you have to leave. I think you should check on base. Many bases offer family member employment services, even if it's temporary. Military.com has a family member employment job bank too. I'm not sure where you live and what's available when it comes to employment. As a result this may be a good time to consider going back to school too. I know you probably don't want the student loans but you can start with filling out the FAFSA application. This way you can see if you qualify for a pell grant (free money to pay for school). The rest may be in student loans. Your husband might be able to even transfer his GI Bill to you. Just consider all your options. When our finances are not good and we don't enjoy our jobs it can make us feel trapped and unempowered. Just know that I am here for you and that I'm thinking about you too. Let me know how I can help further and let me know how you are doing.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Hi Ms Vicki,
I'm very concerned about my 24 year-old son.  He married a girl while in TX.  She became pregnant and had a son 3 years yrs ago. She asked my son for a divorce last year and then suddenly wanted to get back with him.  It lasted less than a month.... suddenly she was pregnant again even though precautions were taken. She's about to deliver and the time frame is too short for it to be my son's child. Now she has called him up and told him the 3 year-old little boy isn't even his child. My son went to Afghanistan and was injured and still serving his country. The military takes a rather large sum of his paycheck and sends it to the estranged wife in Texas. My son is stationed at Ft. Campbell for now. He is on standby to go when the new baby girl is born. My gut tells me neither of these are his children. He is in debt up to his ears paying for her vehicle and furniture and can't afford anything for himself!! Please advise me on what he should do..... He can't afford the retainer for a lawyer and I don't know what it would take to get paternity test on these two children. He has only seen the little boy 7 times in 3 years because he was gone overseas. Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,
A worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother,

I can tell this is very distressing for you -- it's tough for you watching this happen to your son. Sounds like he's a good young man who's tried to do the right thing. Well, the Texas girl sure knows how to pick a good guy, but your son will need to learn how to avoid the wrong women in the future. I see many men who continue to go from "one wrong woman to another." Regarding paternity testing, I see nothing wrong with getting a paternity test but it may be difficult because he has been assuming the responsibility for the children already -- at least one of them, right? Many men report confronting the same issue and having a judge tell them "you've taken care of them so far and you can't stop taking care of them now." So when the new baby is born will he sign the birth certificate? Fort Campbell has legal services. He should make an appointment with someone in the legal office (JAG) when he arrives. They have walk-in appointments available too. I think that's his best recourse of action. Does he plan to divorce her?

Here's my "gut check" for you: your son could actually stay with this woman, no matter what she has done. I know this is not the woman you want to see your son with, but I'm just saying he could make a decision to get back together with her. Again, advise him to visit with the legal office on base. This is your son and you love him dearly, but remember to take care of yourself too. Keep in touch with me and let me know what decisions your son makes.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki