Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm in a difficult situation right now. About a week ago, I found messages in my husband's phone to another woman talking about how he wanted to see her and how his day would be so much better if he saw her. I obviously got upset and confronted him about it. I asked him to explain what it was and he said he didn't want to, or have to. So I decided to leave (not divorce, just separate). A couple days before our argument, I had mentioned that I wanted to go back to work because I hate not having my own money, especially when he gets angry when I ask him for money, and he was okay with me moving back with my parents. So either way, I was going to move back with my parents and go back to work. This argument just caused me to move back a week early. The day I left, he was extremely upset and he took it as if "I deserted him" (his words). Now that I'm home, he won't talk to me other than telling me he wants a divorce. I guess he took it as if I move back, we're getting divorced but if I would have known this, I would have waited a week longer to move back. At the same time, if I would have stayed, then he would still be talking to that other woman because he would be thinking if I stayed and did nothing, it would be okay to do it again. So I don't really know what to do in this situation. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he said No, it won't help because all you do is talk. So he basically has his mind made up about the divorce. So now, my problem is I asked him for money because I know I am supposed to receive something and he's telling me no. I really don't want to get him in trouble by calling his sergeant and whoever else but at the same time, I'm entitled to some of that money. I am not working yet, so I kind of need it to pay my bills as well. What advice can you give me? Anything will help.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vee
 
Dear Ms. Vee,

Thank you so much for writing me. Two things: Yes you should be receiving financial support. He cannot simply abandon his family. Moreover, it's not your parents' responsibility to be your sole provider, even though they were kind enough to allow you to move back home with them. If I were you I would contact his unit and ask to speak to his 1SGT or commander. If you don't do anything your husband will not send any support. Second, it sounds like this happened so suddenly: you found messages on his phone and you left. As a result, he's become very spiteful. Is this right or was there more to this story? I'm not saying you should have stayed, it just sounds like "it's over." Marriage counseling is good. However, if your husband won't go, I still think you should begin speaking to a therapist or counselor individually. It will be a great way to get support and gain insight too. I hope you will have good news to report to me by the time you read this response. Please send me an update when you have time.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Dear Ms. Vicki,

I don't know who to go to with this so I am hoping you can help or at least lead me in the right direction. I was widowed almost two years ago and also lost my son in a car accident so life has been pretty sad for me over the last five years. I decided with encouragement from my family to find someone so I went on match.com and met a serviceman in the army from CA who is currently in Afghanistan. We have been corresponding for about a month. He wants to come and see me when he returns home. I am a little apprehensive because I really know nothing about this man except for what he tells me over the Internet. Granted I have been asking a lot of questions and he is always happy to answer but he doesn't seem to have any family. He is scheduled to come home in the next month or two so I wanted to know if there is any way I can find out if this guy is legit. Are there any public records or any way for me to obtain information as to the validity of his answers? I want to make sure he is not a nut job in the service. He says he is a staff sergeant and has been in the service over 20 years and is out of CA. He may be perfectly fine but because of everything I have been through want to know that he is on the up and up and is a good member in standing with the service. Can you help?

Thanks in advance and God Bless,
V.J.

Dear V.J.,

I get this question all of the time. Some of these men can be legit, but many are scammers and "nut jobs" too. Many lie about being servicemembers. Either way, I say take it very slow. I'm wondering why he doesn't have any family. What's up with that? Here's the deal, you should still know what unit he is attached too. Is he Army, Marine, Air Force what branch of service? What unit is he in? Is he active duty, National Guard or reserve? You should have this information. When he gives you the name of his unit you can Google the base information and his unit. They should have a main post number where you can call and get the number to his unit. Call the unit and ask if he is a member of the unit. This is the best way to find out if he is really who he says he is. Many people want to pretend they are a servicemember and currently serving in Afghanistan. It's a great cover and keeps them from being available. However, check this out: I've been around servicemembers from all branches of services. They love to talk about their units and their jobs. It's a source of pride for them. When women meet these guys who are so covert about everything, it makes me wonder. On the other hand, there are Special Forces units and SEAL teams etc. that have many missions that cannot be discussed. However, trust me: those guys know how to discuss information without disclosing any information, if you follow me. At any rate, he may be home now and maybe you've met him. It will be interesting to know what has happened.

I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. I know it has been very difficult for you losing your son and your husband. Just take your time and don't rush into anything ok. Let me hear from you. I'd love to keep in touch.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki