Subject: Did I Do The Right Thing? 

Ms. Vicki,

"I received a phone call two days ago from a young woman who is searching for her dad. (His last name is the same as mine.) She said she found my number by calling 411.  

"I got her to give me her e-mail address and I told her I would look up some numbers in the local phone book and e-mail them to her. She said her dad is active-duty Navy. According to this woman, she left home some time ago, but now wants to try to reconnect with her dad.  

"I e-mailed her some Navy numbers (including the chaplain's number) from the city where he could be stationed. I suggested she call the chaplain first, and if he could locate her dad, tell him that she's trying to reach him.   

"I'm torn between wanting to help this girl if she is indeed trying to reach her dad and being cautious in case this is some kind of hoax, or she has some ulterior motive for wanting to establish contact with this man.  I don't have any way to verify whether her story is true. On the other hand, if it's true, I want to do everything I can to help her find her dad. She seemed so lost and lonely. 

"I got an e-mail back from her this morning telling me that she appreciated the information more than I could ever know, and that she didn't come in contact with many people who would care enough to help. Is there some other area to which I could refer her?  Is there anything else you could suggest?" 

From: M.S. 

Hi M.S. 

You're a good person by trying to help some one in need. I think she should simply do a people search. She may have to pay $50-$70, maybe a little more for the amount and type of information she wants, but I think it’s worth it. 

If she hasn't already tried this she can simply do a “people search” inquiry on the Internet. This search will find businesses that will help her. Additionally, she can use Military.com's Buddy Finder to search for her dad, or find others that may know where he is.

I think you’ve done the best you can by giving her other names and numbers to contact. If she's really looking for her father, I hope she can find him and have a great relationship. In this case, I don’t think there is much else that you can do. 

Keep in touch and take care of yourself.

"My husband of six years want to enlist. He has a decent job, makes decent money, but there's no room for advancement and he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. And we don't have the money for him to even go to school. So he feels like the military is his only option. 

"I personally don’t want to live the military wife life. I’m just not strong enough. I compromised when he said he wanted to join the reserves. He's tired of the health care we have, and keeps saying we're one hospital bill from being bankrupt. 

"I work part time, but I’m trying to change that. I'm in banking now but in the process of getting my license for cosmetology. I would like to own a salon one day. 

"He took his ASVAB last week and made an 82. So he's waiting to go to MEPS. I love my husband to death and don't want to be without him. I told him that me and the kids weren’t going anywhere, we were staying here. He said 'well you’ll just be here.' WTH? I'm so frustrated right now. 

This should be a decision we make together and I don't know what to do anymore. I’m not the type who wants to stay at home wife with the kids all day. I want my own career. If he joins and we move around, what kind of portable career could I have? I really don't even want to try anymore because he's going regardless of what I say. Help!"

Thanks, A.T.B

Dear A.B, 

I can see that you are “hot” right now. Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you wrote me. It sounds like you have many stressors going on right now -- marital, financial, etc. I understand where your husband is coming from, especially from a financial stand point. He's right. A medical emergency and extended hospitalization could cause a financial catastrophe. 

Conversely, I understand that you have current obligations and you don’t want to live a military lifestyle. You don’t want to leave your home or your current employment. But this doesn't have to stop because your husband joins the military. It’s not like he joins today and you relocate the next day. He would have several schools to complete and  will have to get settled at his permanent location before you and the children join him. 

You can complete cosmetology school before you relocate with your husband. There are many military spouses who are cosmetologists and manage to transfer their state licensure when they move. I’m able to do the same with my social work license. 

I don’t think this is a reason for divorce, but I can definitely understand where you're coming from. It sounds like your husband will enlist without your good graces because he believes this would be a better option for the family. This could cause problems in your marriage if you refuse to support him. Please write me back and let me know if your husband has continued with his decision. I truly wish you and your family the best. 

Ms. Vicki