Hi Ms. Vicki, 

"I seem to be crying out for help here, I just don't know what to do. My husband is currently in Germany to be sent to Kentucky on Nov. 18. He spent some time in Iraq working with fueling planes. In July of this year this took a turn for the worst. 

"All of a sudden he started sending nasty e-mails about how he should've never of married me and we have nothing in common. He jokes that he has two wives one who sends him something (through a military care program) and me who send him nothing. 

"He's tired of the way I look and says that I don't even try to exercise and talk about being depressed. He stated many times he wants a divorce and I need to file the papers. I was in total shock with how bad he put me down. 

"I'm in counseling but still in pain. He's off and on -- one moment he seems okay the next he's tired of this long-distance relationship. Through this whole thing, I've been nice -- always saying I love him never putting him down. But I wonder if I'm stupid. 

"I don't regret marrying him, I just feel like I have failed him. At this time in my life I don't trust him with my heart or life. Yes, I understand he's in the military, and it’s hard but that doesn't give him the right to emotionally abuse me. 

"I can't confide in him without him using it against me. For example, I told him that I will need his help to workout -- I start and stop that it’s not working for me. His response was he's only going to be home for 20 days and he's not going to waste his time. He says he's tired of my excuses and then he goes into how this relationship is not going to work. Sometimes I wish there was someone I could report him to because he's out of control. I feel alone." 

Thanks for your time, it's much appreciated.

--Military Wife

Hello Military Wife, 

I really appreciate you sharing what is going on in your life. I can see this is causing you much emotional turmoil. I’m glad to know that you're working with a counselor. I commend you for this, and I encourage you to continue with this process. 

Hopefully, you'll learn more about yourself through counseling, and receive insight and support. 

From your report your husband is being abusive towards you, so why do you feel that you have failed him? By the time you receive my e-mail your husband should have reported to Kentucky. I’m wondering what has happened since that time.  You stated, “I wish there is someone I can report him to because he is out of control.” 

Listen, you don’t have to continue on this merry go round. Your husband puts you down, verbally assaults you, and he's emotionally abusive. I think you should speak to a Victims Advocate at your nearest post. Contact the Social Work Service department or Army Community Service. The advocate would be happy to sit down and provide guidance to your situation. 

It also appears that your husband is giving you inconsistent messages, i.e. sometimes he acts like he loves you and other times he says he never should have married you. You deserve much better than this, buy you must believe this yourself. How can you trust a man like this? 

Conversely, he sounds like he's very immature although you didn't mention his age. At any rate, I’m here to support you and to let you know that I’m on your side.  I’m an advocate for saving marriages. However, I believe it takes two people who are willing to make a marriage work, being faithful, loving and respectful of each other. It doesn’t sound like you have this. Keep in touch with me and let me know where you are and what happened. 

Enjoy the holidays, too. 

Hello Vicki,

 

"My spouse will retire next August and we want to move back to Texas to be closer to family. I'm a little nervous because I feel I need to find a better paying job. 

"My plan was to start applying for jobs in Texas, but recently we found out what we would get for selling our house, and it will not be enough to break even. I have some ideas to make extra money with a great business idea but I'm not sure how to put it into play. 

"I don’t have a clue where I should start. I have a lot of questions and don’t know where to get the answers. I would like to be a consultant for the military. I have knowledge from working in my current job now that I feel will be very helpful to a lot of active-duty personnel. I was told to go to the Small Business Association (SBA), which I have done, but I really still don’t have the information I need to get started. 

"I know I need to write a business proposal, but I am not sure how to start. Any suggestions you have will be greatly appreciated."

 

--A Little Nervous

Dear Nervous,

I think becoming a consultant for the military and starting your own business venture is a wise decision. The SBA is a good association to get information from, but if you're thinking of becoming a contractor/consultant for the Department of Defense (DoD) then I think you should visit their website. 

Most cities or counties offer classes and workshops about starting your own business, so visit the websites of the county or city you relocate to. 

Lastly, think about contacting Military OneSource or visiting Military.com's Spouse Career Center and inquire about services they may have to offer spouses who would like to start a business. Additionally, the Veteran Mentor Network on Military.com can connect you with other small-business owners in Texas. They could have information to help you. I really wish you the best, and whatever you do don’t give up on your ideas and your dreams. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing from time to time. Take care and stay in touch. 

Ms. Vicki