I had the great honor to spend Veterans Day at the USAA headquarters in San Antonio. I was there to perform comedy for our country’s veterans. I’d like to share the event with you, play-by-play style.

USAA’s theme this year was “Warrior strength; Warrior families.” They cast me as the “surprise” entertainment. That means I would pop out of the audience, on cue, and rush the stage to steal the platform and provide some comic relief as an ever bubbly, sometimes gullible character: “The Military Wife.”

I had the great honor to share the stage with Tayna Queiro, 2009 Military Spouse of the Year. Queiro is a former Marine, active in multiple volunteer programs, a mom, and student earning her doctorate. Additionally, I was honored to work with the key note speaker Eileen Collins, an astronaut, colonel in the USAF, and the first woman space shuttle commander. 

These women blew me away with their amazing accomplishments. I felt kind of out a place next to them doing silly PCS and BAH jokes. In truth though, all of us made up a strong group of dynamic women representing military spouses who thrive in the lifestyle with our own varied accomplishments. I had fun rehearsing the night before. My jokes have been known to be a little sassy. 

The director and producers had to make a few cuts and I had to “re- write” a few risqué jokes on the fly as well. The event started early the next morning. USAA assigned an employee and Marine Wife, Maggie to wrangle me around the huge compound. Her job was to make me feel comfortable before the performance.

I had a feeling she was there to make sure I didn’t get lost on that huge compound. Poor Maggie had to escort me to the restroom a hundred times before I performed — the nervous bladder, a performer’s curse.

The show started. Maggie, my hubby and I were hidden in the audience. The U.S. Army 82 Airborne All-American Choir serenaded the audience with their cherub-like voices. I was enjoying the view. (They were nice to look at too.) Thousands of veterans gathered to watch the performance. My cue came up and I stormed the stage! 

The producer was sweating in the back worried I may pull a “Kathy Griffin” and say something obscene, but everything went as rehearsed and the crowd really loved the jokes about my grandmother and military wife extraordinaire. Here’s how it went: “Grandma Ruby always told me to look out for the ‘reunion surprise.’ I asked her if that was a gift my hubby would bring me from deployment. ‘Not exactly’ she retorted, ‘It’s more like the gift you’ll give him nine months after he gets back!’”

I caught a quick glimpse of my hubby’s face in the crowd as everyone was laughing. He looked petrified, as he always does. He gets nervous enough for the both of us. He did make it up to me by looking super cute standing at attention when the choir sung the Marine Corps Hymn. 

After the event I got more compliments on my shoes than my jokes. (Well, four-inch camo and hot pink pumps are pretty cute.) I took time to pose with my new extended family — Tanya and Maggie and the entire choir. Then it was off to lunch with Maj. Gen. Joe Robles the CEO of USAA — yikes!

 

I had to remember to use the right fork. Thank goodness I only cursed once during the upscale luncheon. I figured these board members, who are all retired generals, have heard their fair share of Sailor talk over the years. After the event, I was off to San Antonio for an eventful day. I lost my cell phone spelunking in some underground caverns.