Hello Ms Vicki,

"I’m a 36-year-old Navy wife and mother of two daughters under 11. My problem is my husband has turned to porn over having sex with me off and on during our marriage. 

"I sought help and counseling but it seems that I’m the only one trying to fix things. My breaking point was when I walked in on him viewing this smut one night, and it was early enough that I could have been our daughters walking in to tell him good night one last time. That made me so angry.  

"This whole thing rocked me to the core. It’s devastating, degrading, and embarrassing. Why is he addicted? I’m not overweight, but I’m heavier than I'd like to be and go to the gym a lot. But, I’m trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

"I feel so hopeless and helpless. I had the police escort him out of the house for a short time, so he could think about his disrespectful actions. We even went to counseling together and got in a huge fight. He walked out, but has come back home with talk of "wanting to fix this." I've lost all trust and respect for him but we’re on a tight budget, stationed overseas, and I can't afford a lawyer.

"He dwindled almost all our saving away on things: vehicles, computer stuff, and immature boy toys. I do still love him and want to save my marriage, but feel so betrayed and trapped! I know pornography in the military marriage is a huge problem. Any advice from you and your readers would be great!" 

Military Wife

Military Wife, 

I hear you. This is serious. Pornography is a serious addiction. First of all, as with any addiction, your husband has to admit he has a problem. I’m not sure if he can do that right now. From your report, you’ve received help from a marriage therapist only to have heated arguments in front of the therapist, and as a result your husband left home. 

Oftentimes, when a couple seeks the help of a therapist or counselor it’s normal to have some arguments. Why? Well, for the first time the couple is addressing tough issues that have never been talked about before. One or both parties will have hurt feelings, feel embarrassed, or betrayed. 

All in all, I know the therapist understood your reactions. For this reason, I think you should continue with therapy. As a matter of fact, I think you both need individual therapy and marital therapy (from different professionals of course). Conversely, you're letting his actions affect your self-esteem and self-worth. This is something a counselor will help you with. His addiction is not your fault. It’s not because you’re too thick, too thin, too cute, not cute enough, etc. I know this won’t make you feel better but, you’re not alone on this issue. Pornography is a serious addiction and research show the numbers of individuals coming forth with this addiction is increasing. As we know, it’s no stranger in the military. 

I think your husband needs treatment. It would be tragic for your children to catch him in the act of viewing or acting out to porn. However, as an addiction increases, the “addicted” person becomes more risky. I won’t patronize you, but I hope your husband will admit he has a problem and gets help. Stay in touch with me and let me know how you're doing.

Hi Ms Vicky, 

"My niece married a Navy officer while he was on base. She stays with us until she finishes her training as medical assistant. She has no place else to go and her husband felt it was best for her to stay with us because they have a 1 1/2-year-old daughter.

 

"She finished her training and is scheduled to start her internship near his base, but the night he was supposed to come and move them he decided he’s not sure he wants to be married anymore, and would rather she stay where she is.

"Since that night we discovered he didn't inform his command that he was married so now my niece has no place to stay and may have to give up her internship because she’s no longer receiving financial support from husband.

"She’s also scared that he would make her life a living hell if she tells his command what he’s done.

"Is there a way she can get benefits for herself and her daughter and make sure that he provides for them both?" 

Very Worried Aunt

Dear Aunt, 

I can see why you're worried about your niece. Her husband can't choose to dump his wife and daughter on your doorstep and keep moving. It doesn’t work like that. 

She can’t fear reprisal by coming forward stating what he has done. She must report his actions to his unit commander. She should also contact the Fleet and Family Services if she is near a naval base. They'll definitely help her. If you're not in close proximity to a base then contact Military OneSource at 800-342-9647 they will be able to link her to the right resources to help her. Bottom line, she can't choose to do nothing. 

It will be detrimental. In the mean time, I would like to encourage her to continue her internship. She will need to have resources to take care of herself and her daughters. Plus, it will give her a sense of accomplishment. Everyone needs that. Stay in touch and give me an update.