“My husband of 34 years was 10 years active Navy, 10 years reserve duty. He passed away last October and I receive a small pension each month. He would've turned 60 this month and been eligible for his Navy reserve retirement pension — will the pension I now receive change? Thanks for all you do.”

Wondering in Vancouver

Hello Vancouver, 

I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry to hear about your husband passing. I know this is a tough time, but I hope you continue to take care of yourself. You’ve asked a good question and of course I don’t want to give you the wrong information. My suggestion is for you to contact the VA and speak to someone in benefits. You can also visit the VA online. Their number is 1-800-827-1000. Their website is www.va.gov. Click on the link for survivor benefits. Then click the next option “death after service.” I’m sure you will be able to find the information you need. Please write me back and let me know what the correct answer.

Hi Ms.Vicki,

“My husband and I have been married for going on 14 years and we’ve been stationed overseas, and while in Japan I found out that he cheated on me with several women. I chose to forgive him and continue with our marriage.  

Then we moved to Texas and things were good there but then he got orders to Diego Garcia for a year. I stayed in Texas and the whole time he’s been gone I feel that he’s been at it again.

He’s on his way back home for a month before going to his next duty station in Virginia for two years, and I feel like I'm being played and that he is going to cheat again if he hasn’t already. In the back of my mind the trust is gone now. How do I get over these feelings and build that trust back in our marriage? Please Help.”

You are the friend of a friend

Dear Friend, 

By the time you read this your husband may be home for a month before he reports to his next duty station. Please let me know about your reunion with him. I receive so many letters from spouses whose husbands serve in Japan. They have nightmares to share about their husband’s infidelity. Many writers tell me that I “skate around” the true issues of infidelity in these situations. My personal belief is that I don’t have the right to tell someone to leave or divorce their spouse — unless it’s in the case of domestic violence. 

So, here goes: I don’t blame you for trying to keep your marriage together but it sounds like you’re miserable. You don’t trust him and now you’ll have to spend time checking to find out if he’s faithful to you. 

This is not good and you shouldn’t have to live like that. You report that you think he’s cheating again. Then guess what? He is. You deserve so much better. He’s cheated on you with several women and you chose to stay married to him. It sounds like you married a “cheater” so it doesn’t matter where is, or if you or stationed with him or not. He’ll cheat. Meanwhile, what will happen is that you’ll eventually blame yourself. You’ll begin to wonder if you’re a good wife, if you’re attractive enough, if you sexually turn him on, etc. 

You both need marital counseling and individual counseling. You should discover why you would stay with someone who has been so unfaithful and disrespectful towards you. You also need support. A counselor will be able to provide this for you. Your husband also needs individual counseling to unearth why he cheats. If not, he will continue to do so in every relationship. Marital therapy will help you build trust and help mend your marriage. Remember, counseling will only work if he’s willing to change his behavior immediately. 

So don’t blame yourself for his indiscretions. If you're intimate with your husband please make him wear protection. You’ll regret it if you don’t. I really wish you the best. Reach out for support from trust family and friends. Let me know how you are doing from time to time. 

Take care of yourself. 

Ms. Vicki,

“I’m engaged to a military man — the Navy to be exact. I'm 20 and he's 21, with no children. We’re getting married on Nov. 28 and he's due for a seven-month deployment at the end of January. What do we need to do as far as paperwork and whom to speak with after the marriage has taken place? 

How does he go about adding me to his paperwork? How do I get a military ID? Will he be able to apply for BAH or BAS before he deploys? I know it sometimes take months for it to come through, so if it comes thru while he's gone, will I be able to go head and do it for him and have it ready for his return? These are all the questions I have for now, but any information you may have in regards to marriage or paperwork will be helpful.” 

From a Future Navy Wife

Dear Future Navy Wife, 

Let me applaud you for asking questions and trying to get information ahead of time. Your husband-to-be’s administrative office within his unit should be able to help him get his pay straight and other entitlements such as BAH and BAS. Or he may be able to go directly to the finance office on base. At any rate his unit Admin office will be able to steer him in the right direction. Regarding the ID card. There should also be a DEERS office on base that will provide that service. You’ll be eligible for an ID card after you are married. DEERS is the acronym for Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System. I also suggest you visit their website at www.tricare.com. Congratulations on your engagement. Continue to take care of yourself and seek opportunities for personal and professional growth. Keep in touch with me and let me know how you are doing from time to time. 

Dear Ms. Vicki 

“I’ve read your column for quite awhile now, and have enjoyed them greatly. I have both agreed with, and learned from, the advice you have given to others. But, after reading the letter, I felt I needed to write in. 

You see, I’ve been stationed in Fort Bragg, N.C. for more than seven years with my husband, who’s currently deployed to Afghanistan. So this family could very well be in my husband's unit. I understand the wife's frustration about not being consulted on her husband's decision to enlist, which he should have done.  

However, eight years into this war she should recognize how much courage and strength it took for him to do that. She should be proud of him for choosing to do what so many in this country won't.  He made a commitment to his country, and if she stays mad at him for the duration of that commitment, it will do nothing but eat her up inside. 

Also, I can very much understand what it’s like to have a home and a life in one place.  I'm from California and had to move more than 3,000 miles away from what I knew.  She needs to look at the positive aspects of this.  

One: If she moves to Fort Bragg the BAH that is paid for this location will go further than it does where she is currently lives....