Dear Ms. Vicki,

"I've been reading your letters and responses over the last few months and have definitely appreciated them as I'm new to the Army life.

I just read the most recent letters written to you and was very shocked and surprised when I read the letter from the 'infantry snob.'  It was quite unsettling and I want to thank you for your response. As I said, I am new to the Army, but my husband has been in the Army for 21 years. He has been airborne/jumpmaster, a welder, a ranger and now he's a logistics guy. Where would any of us be without organizing, planning/strategizing plans of attack and obtaining resources for other Army members?  

I think everyone in the military is a brave and very selfless person, no matter what MOS/branch he or she is in. I think the woman who wrote to you needs to not just carry her husband's banner but also get her own interests.  

She’s offensive, and it’s no wonder she has very few friends. Has she had to leave her children and go to war, or been in the middle of gunfire? She should respect every job, and be appreciative of any servicemember who sacrifices so much for her and her family's freedom.  

She may need one of those laughable chemical guys and gals, one day. I know her husband likely will, if he hasn’t already.  

I’m a pediatrician but I can't bad-talk a surgeon and talk about how useless they are. I actually may need one, one day for my patients, or God forbid, my own children.  

I agree with likening the Army to one's body. Without one part, the whole suffers.   

I love my husband and I’m proud of all of his accomplishments, infantry or not.  I truly appreciate your response to her.  Keep doing what you do...you do it well."

Be Well and Be Safe, 

Love for the Entire Army

Dear Love for the Entire Army, 

Welcome to the life as an Army spouse! I appreciate your response. I received letters from many people who come from all walks of life and many different viewpoints. It comes with the territory of being an advice columnist. I truly wish you well and I hope you and your husband will do much to cultivate a great relationship so that you both can have a wonderful marriage that will last through the tests of time. Continue to take care of yourself and keep in touch when you can. 

Ms. Vicki

Hey Ms. Vicki,

"I need your help big time! My husband is getting close to deploy again. His attitude has changed completely. He’s always picking fights with me, telling me I should go back to my parents, and that he will be better off with out me. 

To top it off, when I say that I’m going to leave he breaks down and doesn't want me to go, he apologizes, and everything is fine — until he does it again. 

Now, I understand his job is very stressful, so I try not to take it to heart. I'm just so tried of this roller coaster and I want to get off. Even though he’s never laid a hand on me I feel like a battered wife, I feel so empty. He says he’s mad because he says I'm not as loving with him like before, and we don't have sex too often. I try to explain to him that I'm scared to approach him because I don't know what reaction I will get from him.

I tell him to go get counseling, but he says no because they’re going to say it’s all his fault. Now I told him I not going fight with him anymore, so he says I’ve given up and he wants a divorce, but he’s too broke to get lawyer. I'm just so tried of all this drama and want it to stop but I don't know what to do please help me."

Thanks!  No More Drama

Dear No More Drama,

Thank you so much for writing me and for sharing some significant and personal parts of your marriage with me. It lets me know that you want to save your marriage by reaching out and asking for advice. 

I hope I can give some good advice for you and your husband. 

First of all, it sounds like there are many issues going on in your marriage right now. You’re right, deployments are stressful. From my experience working with couples before deployment; they all report an increase in arguments and an overall break down in communication. I surmise that we try to create emotional distance from our partners thinking it will make it easier to separate during the deployment. 

Conversely, this makes the relationship worse. It will only decrease communication before and during the deployment, which will increase the emotional gap between the couple. You’re correct in trying to avoid conflict and arguments. Secondly, I would suggest talking to a marriage counselor or therapist. This person would be of support, discuss the cycle of deployments and some reactions and behaviors we may have in each phase of deployment. The therapist could also give you great communication tips. Lastly, I’m concerned that you feel like a battered wife, especially if it has affected your sexual intimacy with your husband. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Marriage therapy is important in this case, but I will also recommend individual counseling for you. It’s important that you have a source of support before, during and after deployments. I hope this can be a time of great personal growth for you and your husband. Contact social work service on your base to inquire about marriage and individual counseling. If there are no services available then contact Military OneSource and they will connect you to a therapist in your local community. All services are free. I wish you well and please keep in touch with me. 

Hi Ms. Vicki, 

"My husband joined the Army in February without discussing it with me. While in basic training he continuously sent payments for our rent, utilities, food, etc. When he finished, he was stationed in Fort Bragg, N.C., and they reduced the housing allowance. I gather, the cost of living is lower there. My husband wanted me and our daughter to move there but I don't want to. My home and life are here. 

Also, I care for a very sick and aging father and would not move him from. Well, my husband realizes this and told me to think it over. I don't think it will happen. 

Now he's deployed to Afghanistan, and told me he would send rent money but not the rest, which is several hundred a month. I asked him what he's saving it for his education. 

He also switched the Army payments to his own account and not our joint one. I do not work as my daughter is 4 and I haven't gone back yet ( don't have a place to work) and I can't afford a baby sitter. I feel that he should pay the bills but he refuses because I refuse to move. Additionally, he didn't pay for last month's rent -- my father had to.  Is there anything I can do legally or militarily to get him to pay?" 

Please help!

Thank you so much for writing and sharing your current situation. From your report, it sounds like you're experiencing a lot of stress right now. However, I applaud your efforts for trying to be a caring daughter towards your father. 

The truth is that I get many questions just like yours on a weekly basis. Many of the spouses both male...