Tip No.3 Compliment people on what they do and not on what they are. 

When your child does well on a test, rather than say “You are so smart!” Say “You studied really hard or you worked really hard.”

“What if they didn’t do well on the next test?” Miss Conduct said. “Are they no longer smart? Show what’s valuable. Give a compliment that’s more effective in shaping behavior.” 

Tip No.4 The more specific a compliment is, always the more weight it carries. 

Example:  Instead of saying “You look nice today,” say “Your scarf goes so well with your jacket.”

Tip No.5 Compliment people on the stuff other people don’t notice. 

Example: The top salesman at your company might also be an avid fisherman. The neighborhood mom might coordinate her clothes really well. 

Tip No.6 Compliments should be sincere.

“Compliments can enforce behavior,” explained Miss Conduct. Not crazy about a meal your host serves? Don’t say you love it. “They might cook it again the next time you come over,” Miss Conduct warned. 

The same goes if you compliment someone wearing an outfit you actually don’t like. “They may wear it again,” she said. 

Next, I had some specific questions for Miss Conduct. Since Miss Conduct is also a research associate at Harvard I wanted to ask only well thought-out questions.

Me: “Was it so wrong of me to tell my father-in-law he had the ugliest feet I’d ever seen? My sister-in-law recently dragged him to get a pedicure and he told the lady what I’d said.”

Miss Conduct: “Yeah, apparently that was not a very cool thing for you to have said.”

Me:  “Should some compliment subject areas just be avoided?”

Miss Conduct:  “Never ever on body parts, especially in the work place. It’s not a 

good idea to talk about body parts unless you’re a doctor.”   

Me: “Any interesting comments you’ve received lately?”

Miss Conduct: “A woman told me I looked like Spock.”

Me: (Silence) 

It’s true. After a presentation, Miss Conduct took questions from the audience. 

“Has anyone ever told you, you look like a female Spock?” a woman wanted to know.

 “The room was horrified,” said Miss Conduct, who just happens to be a Trekkie. While it’s rude to be compared to an alien, especially in a public format, Miss Conduct took no offense.

“I thought it was really fun” she said. “I think Spock is really hot. Both the old and young versions.”

After Spock shock, I had one last question for Miss Conduct. 

Me: “Do you know anything about cow eyes?”

Miss Conduct: (Silence) 

After some context on my part Miss Conduct gave an impressive dissertation on the meaning of a bovine’s optical organ when applied to Greek mythology and rural America circa mid-20th century. People from rural regions of the country would know a cow has beautiful eyes, she explained. But as rural regions become fewer and fewer farm animal comparisons become more uncommon. “Metaphors can change quickly,” she warned.   

Next, Miss Conduct said “cow eyes” dates back to ancient Greece. Hera, the beautiful wife of Zeus is referred to as “ox-eyed.” 

“It refers to a woman with large, soulful eyes,” Miss Conduct said. 

Who knew? Thanks to Miss Conduct I feel better about my eyeballs. So go ahead, call me cow eyes. Just don’t tell me I look like a cow.