Hello Ms Vicki, 

I came across your column online and I needed to speak with someone concerning my feelings towards my boyfriend's deployment. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for five years and we recently moved to a state where neither one of us know anyone. We found out I was pregnant approximately two weeks before he was deployed and he’s not scheduled to come home until three days before my due date, so there’s a chance that he won’t be home for the birth of our baby. 

Now where he says that he should end our relationship (he feels as though I’ve been complaining about various issues while he has been out to sea). I feel that I’ve been alone throughout my pregnancy, taking care of the household as well as his personal business, and maintaining a 4.0 in the master's program. I'm going to possibly have the baby alone and then will have to move out of the house with a newborn. (House is in his name only.) I feel as though I’m bringing a baby into the world under horrible circumstances and I don't know what to do.

I left a job in one state to be with a man that I loved and start a future together to live in the house — pregnant and alone — only to move soon after the baby is born. We haven't even lived in the house together because he deployed when we moved in. 

I wonder if his feelings and frustration are from being deployed and not being able to enjoy the house that he works so hard for. It seems that everything that we worked for is falling apart. I appreciate any advice that you can give. 

-- Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed, 

While reading your abounds with stressors: you moved to another state, moved in with your boyfriend, you’re working on your graduate degree, taking care of the household, you’re pregnant and experiencing many hormonal changes and your boyfriend is out to sea — Whew! 

Deployments are stressful for everyone. Servicemembers and their loved ones experience a wide array of emotions that are all normal. I know many spouses, girlfriends and fiancés who have given birth alone, moved alone, and spent many holidays alone. I know it doesn’t sound fair. However, this is a fact of military life when you’re involved with a servicemember in today’s force. 

To your credit it sounds like you have many positive things going on in your life, too. Even though you moved to be with your boyfriend you have continued to pursue higher education. This is great. Your boyfriend is surely experiencing many different emotions, too. My first suggestion is to avoid conversations that may escalate to arguments while he’s deployed. There’s not much that can be done right now. When he returns I suggest that the both of you consider couples counseling. This will help you both individually and as a couple, specifically if you plan to be married. With that said, you say that you left your job and moved from your state to be with him and that the home is in his name only. This raises a red flag for me because I hope you have not placed yourself in a situation where he could seriously take advantage of you financially. Is he supporting you financially? As they say, hindsight is 20-20 and what’s done is done now. However, you deserve marriage and financial security. When he returns he could easily say he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. I really hope he doesn’t, but I have to be honest I’ve see it happen many times before. Continue to finish graduate school and continue to “stack the cards” in your favor. I would regret knowing that you’re bereft of resources and finances with a new baby. You both deserve the best. Keep in touch with me and let me know how you’re doing.